Reflections
by ravenhaired
Summary: Elaida's rise to power, supposed glory and eventual downfall, via a strange obsession with two Novices.
1. Unwanted love

Reflections  
  
Authors Note: Both the strangest and most explicit fanfic I've ever wrote. If you're not a fan of slash, then don't read. Also, I've expanded upon it slightly. And I'm thinking of changing the title. Any suggestions?  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the Wheel of Time. If I did, this would be in the books.  
  
~  
  
It was so obvious they where lovers. Soft caresses, kind words and kisses too intimate not to be between lovers.  
  
I suppose I was jealous.  
  
I'm not sure which one I really desired. They always where together, so the words: 'Siuan and Moiraine' always ran together. They seemed like one person.  
  
Merean knew why I helped them cheat in the test for the shawl. I was never good at concealing my feelings. But I would have done anything, I think, to be near them.  
  
But to me love always went hand-in-hand with cruelty. I cannot describe the sheer thrill I got from hurting my lovers, making them beg for mercy. I have only had one lover who ever returned this.  
  
Eirana, I remember, had the softest hair and the coldest eyes. She was an Accepted with me.  
  
My blood on her hands, the smell on my blood on her hands, drove me wild. I have very few memories from my time with her. She would always beat me senseless, so I remembered very little. We healed each other, using a weave that was partially observed from watching Sisters and partially improvised by ourselves.  
  
Ah...but Moiraine and Siuan where my first real loves. Never did I lay my hands on them, yet they could pleasure me in ways Eirana never could.  
  
I first realised I loved them during a time with Eirana, after we had passed for the Shawl. It was dark, the bedclothes where crumpled around us and I let out a strangled cry of: "Light! Siuan! Moiraine!"  
  
Eirana stopped what she was doing immediately. "What?" She demanded hoarsely, her lips coated with crimson liquid. I supposed she had been biting me somewhere. Or maybe she had cut me with that little dagger she loved to use so much. Pain and pleasure had become the same when I was with Eirana. I could not distinguish between them.  
  
I stared at her dumbly.  
  
"Those two...Novices..." She hissed. She sat back on my stomach. "You desire them?" She fingered her dagger. I did not know whether she meant to kill me with it or force Moiraine and Siuan on me at knife point. Eirana was unpredictable and erratic. Sometimes, when another caught my eye, she would laugh and joke about asking them to join us. One actually did once. Other times, she would fly into a jealous rage. I remember a Novice whom I was infatuated with 'fall' down the stairs and break her neck. Eirana and I never did discuss it.  
  
"No," I replied.  
  
"No...?" Her eyes widened in shock and she began to trace my nipples with the blade of her dagger. "You love them," It was not a question.  
  
I realised it was true, though Eirana was tracing a little too freely with that dagger for my liking. Yet I could not lie to her. She knew me too well. "I think so," I admitted.  
  
Her tracing stopped abruptly. "I did not think you capable of love, Elaida," She said.  
  
I said nothing. It was cold in the room and goosebumps formed on my skin. I exhaled softly.  
  
Suddenly, she leaned down, until she was an inch from my face. She studied me intently for a moment and then kissed me. Eirana had kissed me many times before, but she had never kissed me like this before. It was soft and almost tender. Our kisses had usually been fierce and almost-painful. She laid her cheek against mine and sighed.  
  
Almost tentatively, I reached up and stroked her hair. We had never shared this type of caring embrace before. Yet I had often imagined Siuan and Moiraine sharing similar ones. Somehow this level of closeness never seemed possible with Eirana.  
  
She seemed to hear what I was thinking, as she suddenly pulled back. She smiled almost sadly and then tore the dagger down my cheek. I cried out. This was agony. Utter agony. She had never cut my face before and without the heat of lust to take away the pain, I felt tears on my cheeks and my hand reached up and gripped her wrist. "Don't!" I managed to croak.  
  
She smiled. "Something to remember me by, dear," She said in her most sultry tone – the tone she had used when she had first spoke to me. The tone that had briefly enraptured me. She kissed me again, a chaste, quick kiss on the lips and then rolled off me. Her wrist was torn from my hand easily and I watched her get dressed without moving. Before she left, she paused at the door. "You might want to consider getting healed," Then she left me.  
  
I got up and hobbled to the adjoining room. I stared at myself in the mirror. Eirana had done much damage. That was the first time I sought Merean out for healing. I waited until I was sure the Tower was asleep and then sought her out.  
  
She was surprised to see me. She gasped at my injuries. What seemed to me a routine wound for one night with Eirana, was, apparently, barbaric to anyone else. She murmured to me soft words of comfort and asked who done it. I refrained from telling her. I think something clicked in her memory then, as she narrowed her eyes and gave me a curt: "I see,"  
  
It was soon after that I had my foretelling and attached myself to Morgase. Ah yes, there where some nights that I regretted ever doing that. Somehow I could not recall their faces with the absolute clarity I once could. Perhaps it was not seeing them everyday.  
  
On occasion, I slept with Morgase. I did not find her particularly alluring, though she was certainly attractive, and I was lonely. The fact that I wanted her, though, surprised her. I think she thought that all Aes Sedai where devoid of such longings. It is a strange thing to sleep with a Queen. To find that under the strange haughtiness of command and the aloofness they must maintain, that they too are women and that they are equally as lonely as Aes Sedai.  
  
It was a more caring liaison than mine and Eirana's. Morgase did not like violence. She did not want to be hurt. She wanted love. This, I think, was when my association between the two came apart. She helped me just as much as I helped her during the days after Taringail's death.  
  
But she never loved me and I never loved her. She was never inclined towards her own gender before and it was isolation that drove her to me. I welcomed her gladly, even if it was only to have someone beside me when I slept.  
  
She left me too when Thom Merrilin, a Gleeman, came along.  
  
"It's not that I'm not grateful," She murmured to me, gripping my hands. "You have been a great comfort to me for a long time now. But it was never more than comfort. We agreed on that a long time ago,"  
  
"Yes, of course, only comfort," I replied with a smile, though inside me something was twisting wretchedly and my chest tightened.  
  
She had outgrown my comfort. I had not outgrown hers.  
  
Yet it was only comfort. I could deal with a loss of that. I went back to dreaming of Moiraine and Siuan. Morgase had briefly been an outlet for my desire for them.  
  
It was near the end of the Aiel War that I returned to the Tower. It was a few days after I arrived, that I decided to visit them. I don't know what made me do it. I think I was mad with lust. I had visions of stalking in and demanding that they pleasure me. But that is not what happened.  
  
A girl was with them – Myrelle or some such – and they where practicing for the Test for the Shawl. I smiled and made a grandiose statement about how back in my day we knew how to practice. Indeed we did. Eirana would often have me screaming in agony and writhing on the floor before she took pity.  
  
So I started to practice with them. I saw the loathing in their eyes. I tried to kid myself it was lust, but I knew better. I rained blow after blow on them with saidar and they held out longer than I would have expected. The smaller one, Moiraine, broke first and the other one, Siuan, did not even whimper.  
  
Ah, but never have I enjoyed myself so.  
  
When I came back the next morning, my suspicions where confirmed. I don't think they could ever have denied it. Why would they?  
  
I stopped dead as I pushed open the door. Moiraine's head was resting on Siuan's shoulder and Siuan was holding the smaller girl in a loose embrace. From the way Moiraine was nuzzled contently into Siuan's breast, I saw I was right.  
  
I shook both of them awake and clapped Moiraine's head between my hands and wove weaves of Spirit to heal the girl's wounds. She grimaced from the way the bedclothes fell away from her to reveal her petite, yet near-perfect form. I glanced at her briefly and then clapped Siuan's head.  
  
When I left them, I was even more wanton. I could not calm myself and could not sit still.  
  
Eirana visited me that day. She was as lustrous as ever; pale skinned and black hair shining. "Hello," I said warily.  
  
She did not reply, merely studied me much in that same way she had when she had left me. "I heard you had returned from Andor," She said finally.  
  
"I have,"  
  
"Obviously," She said scathingly. She hopped up lightly on my desk, scattering the papers I had been reading. She showed more leg than was strictly proper and her dress was so low cut; a Domani would call it scandalous. "Have you had your two young harlots yet?"  
  
I spluttered. "I have not! You shouldn't be asking –"  
  
"Oh, Elaida," She laughed and reached forward to catch my chin. Unwillingly, I let myself get caught in her hands. Somehow, she still had that power over me. She smiled. "I know you too well, my dear...you where never one to be prudish. I remember you *suggested* some of our exploits,"  
  
"I..." I really had no answer for that. I merely stared at her.  
  
She frowned suddenly. "You really do love them, don't you?" She paused "I thought it was merely an infatuation...you don't feel anything for me anymore?" She said this with pleading I had never heard from her before. With her free hand, she began tracing the patterns on the front of my dress.  
  
I gently removed her hand from my chin. She stared at me, slightly bewildered. I had never, I realised, taken the lead before. I leaned up and kissed her forehead wordlessly. She blinked at me. "I think you better leave," I said quietly.  
  
Her gaze hardened. "You can't have them, you know," She said angrily. "They don't like you, let alone lust after you!" She turned on her heal and strode out of the room.  
  
I thought that had taken care of Eirana. She would not bother me again. But she did. She went to Merean.  
  
The Mistress of the Novices was waiting for me when I returned from helping the two of them cheat on the second night. I knew I would have trouble sleeping. I was smiling when I came to my apartments. I took down my hair and poured myself a cup of fine Cairhienin wine, humming all the while, turned and came face-to-face with the motherly Mistress.  
  
The cup fell from my hand. I gazed at her in astonishment. "Would it not be better to light some lamps?" She asked coolly.  
  
"Yes...Mistress..." I stammered. I could not have channelled at that moment to save my life. I went to my dresser and produced some flint and proceed to light an oil lamp and a brazier. It was cold in my apartments. She watched me without comment.  
  
"Mistress...if I may ask..."  
  
"Sit, child," She instructed me. Merean was far up the ladder of authority. I did not like being told to sit in my own apartments, yet I did. I sat in a leather backed chair in front of the fire and Merean sat opposite me. I waited. "I have had a complaint,"  
  
"Oh?" I replied.  
  
"A person – I will not say who – has told me you have been courting two Accepted,"  
  
I choked. "Eirana?" I knew she had been hurt yet this – this – was inexcusable. She had went to Merean?  
  
Merean's only reaction was a slight flickering of the eyelid. "Yes," She said finally. "Eirana Sedai,"  
  
"I have not...not..."  
  
"You understand that this is unacceptable?" She fixed me with a stern gaze. "Completely improper. Pillow friendships are acceptable, of course, but you are an Aes Sedai, Elaida, they are Accepted. I can tolerate pillow friends between the Accepted and Novices, but not between an Aes Sedai and either an Accepted or a Novice. And not only one Accepted, two,"  
  
I was speechless. "I know, Merean, light, I know," She raised an eyebrow. "Mistress, I mean,"  
  
"You understand you will have to stop seeing them?"  
  
"I have not been courting them!"  
  
Merean blinked. "Eirana was quite insistent," She said sceptically. Then she said in much gentler tones, leaning forward to touch my knee. "Have you slept with them, my dear?"  
  
"No!" It came out much too high. "Light, Mistress, I can't lie! I have not, nor do I wish to –" I choked suddenly, as though my lungs suddenly stopped working, as the first oath took hold. I thumped my chest.  
  
"You wish to, then?" Merean said, a little bemusedly.  
  
I could not deny that. I hung my head and sighed.  
  
"Why where you in their rooms tonight?"  
  
"How do you know –" I demanded, head snapping up.  
  
"I have my ways," She did not sound best pleased at being questioned.  
  
"You had me followed," It was not a question.  
  
Merean's lips compressed. "Yes," I opened my mouth in outrage, yet shut it when Merean raised her eyebrows a second time. "Why?"  
  
"I...was...helping...them," I managed through clenched teeth. Every word was an effort.  
  
"Helping them?" Merean repeated.  
  
"Yes...for the test...for the shawl..." I closed my eyes to block out the utterly horrified and dumbfounded expression on Merean's face.  
  
"Well," Merean said. "Well," I glanced at her. Her eyes glittered flintily. "Intolerable,"  
  
"I know,"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I wanted to see them pass," I replied miserably. "And..."  
  
"And?" Merean prompted.  
  
"I...think..." I stopped and stared into the flames, gathering courage. "I think," I said in a more steady tone. "I just wanted to be near them,"  
  
Merean's breath caught. "Light," She murmured. She patted my knee in a maternal fashion. "Child, sweet child, you love them,"  
  
"I think so," I replied grimly.  
  
"I did not think –" She stopped abruptly.  
  
"Me capable of love?" I replied, remembering what Eirana had said. "Eirana said the same thing,"  
  
"No, I thought it was a mere infatuation with your pets," She scrutinised me. "You and Eirana where involved," She guessed shrewdly.  
  
"For years," I replied tiredly.  
  
"Is that why –?"  
  
"She was jealous," I said softly. "She was always jealous,"  
  
Merean was gazing at me in abject sympathy. "I think," She said. "I will go to the two of them tomorrow and Heal them. Better you not do that, Elaida,"  
  
"Better I keep my distance,"  
  
"Yes," Merean got to her feet and with kind hand on my shoulder, whispered: "Don't worry about it,"  
  
"I'll try not to," She left.  
  
I saw them the next day. Together, as always, coming up the hallway. I stopped dead when I seen them. I tamed my face to impassiveness and they curtsied respectfully. Siuan's eyes where angry. She evidently had not forgiven me. Moiraine, on the other hand, was mildly curious. She studied me thoughtfully. I have often heard their teachers' comment, that while both where intelligent, Siuan was more so than Moiraine. I had to disagree. Moiraine was looking at me with a vague understanding. She might not have had a full comprehension of why I did what I did, yet she knew the spirit in which my gift had been given. I had done more to prepare them for the Test than any of their teachers' had. Whatever Merean had told them, Moiraine had taken it more to heart than Siuan. Siuan could deduce puzzles of word and number, but Moiraine could puzzle out the human nature.  
  
It was not long after that that their chance for the Shawl came around. I entertained vague fantasies of myself with them, but I suppressed them, as I had tried to do since that night with Merean.  
  
I was involved in Moiraine's testing. I protested. I tried to get out of it. Yet I was still forced into it.  
  
Merean had kind words for me, but I worried about it constantly.  
  
Would this be the time my secret would be out? My Sisters where not blind. I didn't think I could stand it if whispers followed me around the Tower.  
  
Novices grinning cheekily at me when they thought and couldn't see them and whispering to each other: "Is that Elaida Sedai?" and "Yes – the one who fell in love with the two Accepted and made a fool of herself at their Testing!"  
  
Greens nudging each other and their Warders making snide jokes about my preferences in those I was intimate with. Whites talking about how illogical it was for me to fall in love. Browns trying to lend me books on the proper codes of conduct. Yellows smirking and murmuring there was no cure for what I had. Blues, stuck in their priggish ways, eyeing me disdainfully. Greys speculating behind my back.  
  
And my own sisters – the Reds. I would bring the most shame the Reds have seen since the time of Bonwhin.  
  
I don't know how I did it. My face utterly impassive, I watched Moiraine stalk naked through the ter'angreal. To prove I felt nothing for her, I tried my best to make it difficult.  
  
It brought back old memories and long-buried longings.  
  
Merean practically smothered me in sympathy after that.  
  
After that, I saw very little of them. I went back to Andor – alone again – Moiraine left the Tower on some foolish errand and Siuan was Cetalia's assistant.  
  
And now I'm the Amyrlin Seat.  
  
I deposed one woman I loved and the other is dead. I wept when I heard about Moiraine's demise. Siuan's memory still lingers in the Hall. I can't let myself forget her and sometimes I think I can feel her disapproval. I wonder why I did that. I had not thought of her for so long and she seemed to me just the Amyrlin Seat. Yet when I ripped the ring from her finger...when I stilled her and saw her as she once was...young, vulnerable...again, I loved her.  
  
It was the moment that I came closest to fulfilling all of my fantasies. When I ripped the ring from her finger and stilled her, she lay unconscious. She looked so small and fragile. So unlike herself.  
  
When the others had gone to capture the Keeper, Leane, I knelt beside her and cradled her in my arms.  
  
"Moiraine?" She muttered dazedly. Her eyes where still closed.  
  
I inhaled sharply and held the breath for a long moment. Then, I finally replied: "Yes, I am here, Siuan,"  
  
"Oh, Moiraine," She moaned softly. "They've stilled me...they actually *stilled* me!" Her face crumpled and tears slid down her cheeks.  
  
"Hush, Siuan," I whispered. "It will be alright, I promise you,"  
  
"How can you promise that?" She demanded weakly. Her eyelids flickered open and, thankfully, they where unfocused and dazed-looking. She did not recognise me. She gripped my arm. "How?"  
  
"It will be alright, Siuan," I replied. "Don't ask me how I can,"  
  
For a moment, she was silent. Then she tilted her head upwards and offered me her mouth.  
  
I was astounded. Utterly astounded. I trembled with excitement. She thought I was Moiraine, but it hardly mattered.  
  
I leaned down and kissed her. Her lips parted and it was the one moment I will remember forever. Me, on the floor of the Amyrlin's office, kissing Siuan Sanche. Her arms encircled me and the kiss deepened.  
  
It was when she murmured "Oh, Moiraine..." that the illusion was broken. It was a highly inappropriate moment. At any moment, Alviarin and the others would return. It would be a very compromising position to be found in.  
  
Gently, I untangled myself.  
  
"Where are you going?" Siuan whimpered. She was dipping in and out of consciousness. "Please, Moiraine, stay with me, please...do you remember when I asked you to stay with me in Shienar? You wouldn't...stay...you only spent...one night with me...I miss you..." Tears where falling again. "Light, I miss you...please stay..."  
  
Tears where gathering in my own eyes. I kissed her forehead and stroked her hair. "I have to go now, Siuan,"  
  
"No..." Siuan reached out blindly for me. "No, please..."  
  
"I have to go,"  
  
"Moiraine...I love..." The rest of that sentence died on her lips as she finally gave way to unconsciousness. Her head lolled to one side as I laid her on the ground and stepped back.  
  
"I love you too, Siuan,"  
  
Eirana...I still see Eirana around the Hall. She is dull-eyed now. Sometimes, when I am especially lonely, I invite her to my rooms. It has none of the same energies that it used to. Eirana is less cruel now. Somewhere – I don't know when – she lost her passion for blood and knives. Very often now she is tender and gentle.  
  
"Eirana?" I asked vaguely, late one night, when Eirana was lying beside me.  
  
"Mm?" She murmured back, eyes half-closed.  
  
"Why did you change?"  
  
She hesitated. "I'm not sure," She muttered back. She moved closer and pillowed her head on my shoulder. She wrapped her arms around me and I absently kissed her temple. After a moment, she said: "I think it was you,"  
  
"What?"  
  
"When I realised that you didn't love me," Eirana replied. "When I realised that you loved Moiraine Damodred and Siuan Sanche. When I realised you couldn't love me as long as I...was like that," She said.  
  
"You loved me?" I found this shocking. I thought she was just jealous of her possession.  
  
"Oh, yes," She chuckled. "I loved you very much,"  
  
I paused and I could hear the distant tick-tocking of the clock. "I do love you, Eirana," I said sincerely.  
  
"No, you don't,"  
  
"I do. Just not in the way you wanted me to," I replied.  
  
She smiled. "Do you still love Moiraine and Siuan?"  
  
"I don't know," I replied, closing my eyes. "Does it really matter anymore? I could never have them. They never even liked me, let alone lusted after me,"  
  
"I said that to you," Eirana sounded both amused and saddened.  
  
"Yes," I sighed. "One of them is dead and the other stilled. *I* stilled her,"  
  
Eirana sat up and I looked up at her. She smiled and kissed me on the forehead, very reminiscent of that same chaste kiss I had given her that day she had went to Merean. "Goodnight, mother," She slipped off the bed; sheet wrapped around her nude body and went into the other room, where I heard her begin to dress again.  
  
I listened to her leave and then rolled over and went to sleep.  
  
~  
  
The End 


	2. I did not think you capable of love

Reflections – Chapter Two  
  
Authors Note: Well, Eirana and Elaida just won't leave me alone. This is 'Reflections' from Eirana's POV. Also, different from Chapter One. Much more explicit. It isn't as good as the first chapter, I think.  
  
And thank you to my reviewers!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the Wheel of Time.  
  
~  
  
I thought she loved me. I honestly did. I never thought about it much before – never. I had always assumed she did.  
  
But Elaida always did have a roving eye. Even after we had slept together, the next morning I would see her watching some ripe-bodied Accepted or Novice. But she was committed to me, I told myself, I had control over her.  
  
Evidently I did not have as much control over her as I thought I did. I never noticed her nursing her infatuation with those two. I never saw it. Perhaps because she had never voiced it.  
  
Before, whenever she wanted someone else, she would tell me. It was a very dysfunctional relationship we had. I would almost always end up flying into a rage – unless I liked the person too. I would beat her senseless and she would claw at me. But, somehow, we would always end up in bed together. It was the most passionate time I spent with her. There was something immensely...erotic, I would suppose...about half-angry love-making. About sweat and blood-soaked kissing and clawing.  
  
It was a time just after we both passed for the Shawl, that I realised I was not, in fact, the object of her affections. It was dark, I recall, and I was on top of her. Her hands where tangled in my hair and I was kissing her neck. Well – biting, actually, biting her and using the blade of my dagger that I always carried. She was shuddering violently, wild half-cries of both agony and desire choking their way from her mouth. "Light!" She cried. "Siuan! Moiraine!"  
  
That quenched my desire immediately. It was like a cold bucket of water had been thrown over me. "What?" I demanded, leaning back to gaze at her in astonishment. She looked equally stunned. She may have desired other people but never – never – had she called out their name – or should I names? – when she was in bed with *me*. I sat back on her stomach. It was a very odd scene. Both of us utterly naked, me, sitting atop her and her with an odd expression on her face – half fear, half shock. "Those two...Novices...you desire them?" I took my dagger and gently began to trace her nipples. I didn't blemish the skin, though her breath caught. I was surprised at how steady my hand was.  
  
"No," She half-whimpered.  
  
"No...?" My eyes widened in shock. "You love them,"  
  
"I think so," She replied in a soft hush.  
  
I stopped my tracing and stared at her. It was unbelievable. Utterly unbelievable. I had...I had loved this woman for so long...and she could just turn around and say she didn't love me? I felt sick. "I did not think you capable of love, Elaida," I said in a soft, strangled voice. Somehow, insulting her was all I could do. If she did not love me...then who could she love?  
  
I leaned down and studied her. Some people say that Elaida isn't pretty – her features are too sharp. In that moment, I had to disagree. Her features where so soft and so vulnerable. She looked miserable and in her eyes, a war was going on. Her lip trembled. By the Light, I loved her.  
  
I kissed her softly, tenderly and with warmth. She relaxed almost visibly and returned the kiss. She murmured softly as we broke apart and I laid my cheek against hers. It was the most caring embrace we had ever shared.  
  
She was stroking my hair, her long fingers running through it, other hand gently stroking my back.  
  
It was so warm...so love-filled. I blinked. How could it be love-filled? She didn't love me. This was an illusion. My chest tightened horribly.  
  
Strange, that. You would almost think I didn't think love possible from the way I acted – my preoccupation with violence and my love of seeing my lovers beg for mercy. Yet I wanted love. I wanted someone to *love* me. I wanted Elaida to love me.  
  
I pulled back. If I didn't leave now, I would cry. I didn't want her to see that. I didn't want her to think she had wounded me that much. I couldn't let her see that.  
  
I smiled and tore the dagger down her cheek on impulse. A farewell gift. She deserved it because of how she had hurt me. She cried out. It was a cry of pure pain – there was no under layer of pleasure. I got a small twinge of satisfaction. She gripped my wrist. "Don't!" She choked bleakly.  
  
"Something to remember me by, dear," I said seductively, a wicked grin on my face. I kissed her again – a quick, chaste kiss on the lips and rolled off her, where my hand was torn easily from her grasp. I dressed quickly, picking up my garments and slipping them on hurriedly.  
  
I walked to the door and turned. I wanted to say something to her. I wanted to hurt her like she had hurt me. But all I could manage was: "You might want to consider getting healed,"  
  
Then I left.  
  
It was the most pain I could ever remember being in. I stalked the corridors back to my own apartments.  
  
I did not cry, a surprise to myself. Instead, I went in search of wine and with the wine came drunkenness.  
  
I woke up the next morning on the floor of my apartment with an aching headache and a mouth that tasted like tabac. I was not in the best of moods and spent the day in my apartments, slowly recuperating. My pride would not let me seek healing. Unfortunately, I spent that night doing the same thing again and woke up to the same headache and taste in my mouth.  
  
The second morning, after vomiting and a good deal of moaning, I decided not to drink myself into a stupor, and went for a brisk walk.  
  
And so became my routine. I would wake, walk, eat breakfast, read, eat lunch, occasionally I took an Accepted for lessons but otherwise I went riding, eat dinner, spend the evening reading or sometimes playing stones with one of my sisters and finally sleep. It was not an action-packed day, so to speak, but it tired me out and I did not want to be alone at night very long.  
  
I still missed Elaida. But the ache had dulled now. I would not return to her, I told myself, I would not go back. And I didn't.  
  
I heard that Elaida had left the Tower. I said I didn't care too much. Why should I? I hadn't been with her for six months.  
  
But somehow, that night, I couldn't sleep. I lay awake for a good time, tossing and turning and thinking. Somehow, in the midst of trying not to think of Elaida, I thought about her. When she was at the Tower, she remained celibate. I knew that. Nobody else looked at Elaida the way I looked at her. And yet, in Andor...I felt a wrench of jealously. She would fall into some whore's bed, I knew. She never was too strong at resisting impulses.  
  
It was then that I started looking for a replacement. The cold brutality of that strikes me. My next lover was no more than something warm to sleep beside.  
  
Ishtara was an Accepted I taught. I am no better than Elaida. She was an Arafellin, fairly tall with dark hair and pale skin. She was thin and supple and sometimes I could kid myself she was Elaida.  
  
I was kind to her. Overly so, I think. Slowly she began to think of me more as a friend than a teacher and slowly friendship became something more. I did not even kiss her first. I am proud of that. I could still entice someone.  
  
I had been slowly beguiling her for months. Not too much so that it would seem obvious, just a smile here and a small touch there.  
  
It was during one of her lessons that she kissed me. We where studying Tairen philosophy or some such. I had taken to sitting beside her, so close that it was almost inappropriate, but if someone walked it, it would not seem so.  
  
"Do you see Fedegat's point?" I asked her. I was not looking at her, my eyes where on the book I had spread over both our laps.  
  
"Oh yes, I do," She said breathily. Then she kissed the corner of my mouth.  
  
I turned to stare at her. It was a good move to let her think she had enticed me, not the other way around. She stared back, doe-like eyes suddenly worried. "What...?" I whispered, feigning shock.  
  
"I shouldn't have done that, Eirana Sedai," she muttered, twisting her hands in her lap, cheeks colouring. "I'm sorry to have...imposed myself on you,"  
  
"Child," I murmured softly, reaching out to touch her cheek. I could be warm when I wanted to be. Until I had slept with her the first time, I had to be as tender as she wanted me to be. She leaned into my hand and I moved forward ever so slightly – enough not to be noticed, but close enough so that we where touching. Encouraged by this, she leaned forward again and exhaled slowly over my lips.  
  
"Eirana?" There was no formal 'Sedai' this time. I smiled invitingly.  
  
And she kissed me again. This time, I returned the kiss.  
  
Getting Ishtara from mere kissing to my bed was easy enough. This was all new to her. She enjoyed the thrill of skin to skin and the crumpled bed sheets. Sometimes I think we keep our Novices and Accepted too naïve.  
  
I was not rough. I was gentle. I was tender. I kissed her more than I though was necessary and instead of biting tender areas, as Elaida had so loved, I kissed them. It was, I reflected, not a wholly unpleasant affair.  
  
I was her first kiss; she told me later when she lay beside me. I felt slightly guilty. Ishtara was beaming, slicked faintly with sweat, but none the less happy. She felt so much more for me than I did for her.  
  
I brushed that thought aside. I was not doing to Ishtara what Elaida had done to me.  
  
Our lessons where not lessons after that. I did not think they ever would be again. She would come to my rooms, I would ward the door, we would kiss for a time – Ishtara seemed to like that – and then I would bring her to my bedroom.  
  
I could not bring myself to be rough with her. I was not entirely satisfied...but I could not bring myself to hurt her.  
  
It was not long after we where sleeping together that Ishtara's chance for the Shawl came around. She told me Merean said she was ready and that she always tested within a month when she said that. She was excited. She talked of taking the Red Ajah so we could be together. That was too much. She shouldn't be foolish, I told her, and we can still see each other even if she picks another Ajah. Choose the one best suited to her.  
  
I am not completely selfish.  
  
I decided to take her out that month. She would soon be Aes Sedai and I wondered if the time was nearing for me to break off our connection. I did not want an equal, as pathetic as it sounds, for a lover.  
  
It was night when we met at the fountain in the Tower grounds. She had never crept out at night, she confided in me, as I took her arm and led her off. I had been ill that day. My hands had shaken uncontrollably and I had hallucinated. I thought I had recovered, though, as I had not hallucinated since that morning. Perhaps I should not have been so sure.  
  
"It's cold," She commented.  
  
"Autumn is giving way to winter," I said mildly. I had my dagger with me. I did not know why I brought it.  
  
She didn't respond. I led her further into the Tower grounds. The grounds are extensive and I wanted to show Ishtara something I had only ever shown Elaida. I did not like that. I did not like the idea I was feeling something more than kind affection for the girl. I did not like the idea that Ishtara had become something more than a useful tool.  
  
"Look," I said, pointing.  
  
She looked and gasped. It was a beautiful sight. No doubt she had rarely visited the small lake to the east of the Tower and certainly never when the moon was at its zenith. The moon's light reflected into the perfectly clear water, hitting the scales of a very unique kind of fish that I hear is extinct everywhere but Tar Valon. The moonsilver fish's scales lit up when the moonlight hit it, creating a silver glow over the lake.  
  
"It beautiful," Ishtara whispered, stepping forward.  
  
"Isn't it?" I murmured in reply, stepping up behind her, encircling her in my arms and burying my face in her hair. She smelled spicy, I recall. "It is said that the Amyrlin regularly meets the Keeper here,"  
  
"Why?" She asked and then giggled in a soft, girlish way. "Oh...I see,"  
  
"Do you think Aes Sedai are devoid of such longings?" I whispered, nipping at her neck. "You know I certainly am not,"  
  
She turned to me as I continued to nip her neck. "Oh, I know *you* are unique, Eirana Sedai,"  
  
I took her hand and drew her to the ground, gently pressing myself atop her. I began to undo the buttons of her Accepted's dress. "What if someone comes?" She whispered, not exactly resisting my insistent hands.  
  
"Let them come," I responded. "It is not a unique sight to see two Aes Sedai here...doing what we are doing,"  
  
She chuckled softly. "If any of the Accepted where to know this..."  
  
"They'd be scandalised," I kissed her firmly. "Hush, now,"  
  
She hushed and, apart from the odd moan, we where silent. I remember I was kissing the inside of her thigh when it happened. For a split second, I became hazy and disoriented. The smell of her...I thought it was Elaida. Her hands in my hair...Elaida always did that.  
  
I looked down at her pale thigh. There was no scratches, no bruises...she always liked a bit of pain. I bit down hard, so hard that the skin broke and I tasted the metallic quality of blood.  
  
I heard a cry of agony. "What – Eirana!"  
  
I ignored it and sprung on top of Elaida. We had not been together for so long...she had been in Andor, I remembered...she had been in Andor and had missed me...I bit her neck and suckled at it...  
  
Then my knife was in my hand. I scratched at her and she tried to fight me off, screaming for help.  
  
After that, it is muddled. I remember her crying. I got the impression I raped her at one point.  
  
When my mind cleared, I was lying on the ground, naked and cold and unable to move. Ishtara was holding me down with saidar. She had pulled back on her Accepted's dress and I stared blearily at her. "What...?" I began and was not prepared for the kick she levelled at my stomach. I gasped and doubled over. "What?"  
  
"You...you're a monster...." She snarled at me. "Light, Eirana, what where you thinking?"  
  
"What did I do?" I asked bleakly. I noticed the blood that seeped through her dress, at her crotch. "Oh light...did I hurt you?"  
  
"Oh, yes, you hurt me," she did not release saidar and had the look of murder on her face. She brought back her foot and kicked me again.  
  
Then I did something I have not done since I was a babe at my mother's breast. I began to cry. Soft sobs wracked my body.  
  
She hesitated. "Why, Eirana?" She said softly. "Why? I loved you,"  
  
"I thought...I thought...you where Elaida,"  
  
"Elaida?" She said quietly. "Elaida Sedai?"  
  
"Yes," I croaked. "Light, I loved her..." I dissolved into sobs again.  
  
She released saidar and I think she realised I could not move. My limbs felt like water. She knelt beside me and took my head between her hands and wove weaves of Healing. Odd that I should need it more than she did.  
  
It did little good. I cried out in pain. This pain wasn't pleasure. This was agony. This was, ironically, what I inflicted on Ishtara.  
  
Tears trickled down my face. "What's wrong with me?"  
  
"I don't know," Ishtara said brusquely. "You're feverish...you're not well, Eirana,"  
  
"You must help me up...please..."  
  
"I'll get you your dress," She said coldly. "I'm not helping you,"  
  
I pulled on my dress and it took three times as long as it usually would have. She stood watching me, impassively. Slowly, I got to my feet, hanging onto a tree limb. I put one foot in front of the other, trying desperately to gain my balance. Once I stepped away from the limb, I crumpled like a rag doll. Eventually, I was crawling towards the Tower, every drag of my knees an agony. Sweat prickled on my face.  
  
I would die out here. I must have voiced that, because suddenly Ishtara was lifting me, supporting me. My feet where half-walking, half trailing along the ground. She grunted in exertion and my head and buried in her shoulder. "I sorry," I whispered quietly. "I am so sorry,"  
  
She did not acknowledge it. Eventually, she sat me down again. "I'm going to have to get help," She told me. "I'm going to get the Yellows. I can't carry you any further,"  
  
And off she went. I was convinced she had left me to die.  
  
When I awoke the next time, I was in my own bed. A group of people hovered over me. "Ishtara..." I moaned. "I'm sorry..."  
  
"Hush, Eirana," A hand was pressed to my forehead. "She's feverish,"  
  
"She's on the verge of death,"  
  
And then I was asleep again and the next time I woke up, I was cooler and there was only one person in the room. I did not recognise her. "Who are you?" I asked.  
  
The woman's eyes widened. "You don't recognise me. I am Guendain, Eirana, we where Novices together,"  
  
"Novices?" Oh yes, that was right. I was an Aes Sedai. "Where is Ishtara?"  
  
"Ishtara," She repeated the name and a faint crinkling at the side of her eyes showed her worry. "That is not a good topic, Eirana..."  
  
"Tell me! Where is she?"  
  
"She's dead," Guendain said flatly. "She died during her test for her Shawl,"  
  
I felt something inside me die. "What?"  
  
"I'm sorry," Guendain said quietly. "I know she was your favourite student,"  
  
At least that was all they thought. Yet, I stayed awake that day and when Guendain left, I cried again. I should have seen that she practised more. When she was in my lessons...I should have thought of her instead of my own pleasures.  
  
It was then that I lost my passion for blood and knives. A part of me felt like I had killed Ishtara.  
  
It took me two months to recover. Apparently, I had been drinking wine that was not properly fermented.  
  
Those two months gave me plenty of time to think. My violence was why Elaida could never love me. She was never as violent as me. Never. She may have had a weakness for it, but she could be tender. I realised that Elaida had outgrown the violence. I had not.  
  
When I could get up again, I fell into a depression. I did not drink. The very thought of drink made me feel sick. I had suffered for my fondness for wine. Ishtara had suffered.  
  
When the Aiel War started, I heard that Elaida had returned from Andor. I needed to see her. She had been in the Tower awhile before I dredged up the courage to see her.  
  
She was shocked to see me. "Hello,"  
  
I studied her. She had not changed much. She was harder, if anything. "I heard you returned from Andor,"  
  
"I have," She said.  
  
"Obviously," I replied sarcastically. I still could not let her see the way she had hurt me. The way my hurt had become Ishtara's. I hopped up lightly on her desk, scattering the papers she was reading. I had chosen a provocative dress that day. Something I hoped would entice her back to me. I could not go to her. She had to come to me. "Have you had your two young harlots, yet?" I asked challengingly.  
  
"I have not!" She spluttered indignantly. "You should not be asking –"  
  
"Oh, Elaida," I chuckled and leaned forward to catch her chin. Even after Ishtara, I loved her. She allowed herself to be caught. Maybe she still felt something for me. "I know you too well, my dear...you where never one to be prudish. I remember you *suggested* some of our exploits," I smiled wickedly.  
  
"I..." She trailed off, merely looking at me. I was surprised. There was nothing there. Not even a spark of what once was.  
  
I frowned at her. "You really do love them, don't you? I thought it was merely an infatuation...you don't feel anything for me anymore?" My voice broke slightly. It was a plea and we both knew it. For all my talk of pride and dignity, I was practically silently begging her to take me back. I began to trace the designs on the front of her dress, gently touching just below her breasts.  
  
She removed my hand from her chin and kissed my forehead. "I think you better leave," She whispered.  
  
I stared at her in utter disbelief. She was refusing me? "You can't have them, you know. They don't like you, let alone lust after you!" I snarled.  
  
And it was true. Elaida was pining after two people she could never have. I turned on my heel and left, indescribable fury in me. I was so angry at Elaida. Why couldn't she see that *I* wanted her...why did she want Moiraine Damodred and Siuan Sanche?  
  
Well. I could put a stop to that.  
  
I half-ran to the Mistress of the Novices office. I was aching for vengeance. She was surprised to see me. "Good day, Eirana, what can I –?"  
  
I brushed past her into the office. She made a 'humph' noise and closed the door after me, turning to face me. "I don't know who you think you are, Eirana, but you will not burst in –"  
  
"Enough, Mistress, I have a more pressing matter than my etiquette," I replied snappishly. "I have a complaint for you about an Elaida Sedai,"  
  
"Oh?" She looked at me, slightly puzzled, as she sat behind her desk. "Elaida has shown nothing but the best judgement, even as a Novice or Accepted,"  
  
"Yes, well, things change with time," I said sneeringly. I was reverting into my old ways, I noted somewhat distantly. It was as if Ishtara had never happened. "She has been...courting... two Accepted, Moiraine Damodred and Siuan Sanche,"  
  
Merean sat up straight. "Excuse me?"  
  
"Yes. She's been after them for quite awhile," I smiled.  
  
"How do you know?"  
  
"She told me as good as," I replied. "I thought you ought to know,"  
  
"Of course...this behaviour is unacceptable," Merean's eyes glinted flintily. I had set the tiger on the prowl. "But of Elaida...I would never have thought..."  
  
"You should take measures to stop this,"  
  
"Of course, of course..."  
  
I never heard what had transpired because of that. Nothing that shook the Tower, mind you.  
  
After that, my life resembled a shambles. After Elaida and Ishtara, I took many lovers to bed. Most where like me – lonely and only interested in one night's comfort. Some where Aes Sedai and some where clerks – both male and female. I did not find much pleasure with the men and only took a few. Some where even kitchen girls. I did not care that much. Very often I did not know their names, nor they me.  
  
And so the years progressed and there is very little to tell. One of Elaida's loves – Siuan – became the Amyrlin Seat. Elaida suggested her for it. Moiraine left the Tower and rarely returned and when she did...well, she spent most of her time with the Amyrlin Seat.  
  
I was surprised when Elaida felt the need to depose Siuan. I was not keeping track of the Tower's affairs. I had not done so in years. I did not even notice the wild panic after Siuan was deposed, probably because I was in bed with a fine looking newly-raised Aes Sedai called Tetsuko – I heard Gaidin fought Gaidin, but I cared very little for their lives.  
  
When I heard Elaida was the new Amyrlin, I did not go to see her. We had been apart for years. It was a few months before I heard from her. An Accepted came to me one night with a message, requesting my presence in her apart. I was perplexed, but went none the less.  
  
Elaida was exhausted. She had dark bags under her eyes and her Keeper – Alvie or Alarin or something like that – was with her. They seemed to be arguing, but bit off what they where saying when I entered.  
  
"Don't you know how to knock?" Alvie demanded off me.  
  
I smiled at her coolly. "I did. You mustn't have heard me...what with your screaming at the Amyrlin,"  
  
She scowled at me, turned and gave a jerky curtsey to Elaida. "Mother," She said curtly, brushed past me and left.  
  
I watched her leave with amusement. "You should tighten the lash on that one,"  
  
"Yes," Elaida agreed faintly.  
  
I sat down without being told to. "What is it, Elaida?"  
  
"You should address me properly," She said irritably.  
  
"I don't think I could get used to calling a person I slept with 'Mother', Elaida," I told her, amused at how her eyes tightened. "I know Moiraine Damodred did, but I am not a Cairhienin whore,"  
  
She sighed and got up, going to a desk and picking up the decanter of wine. "Something to drink?" She asked me mildly.  
  
"No, can't stand the stuff," I replied jauntily.  
  
"Very well," She poured herself a glass and walked to the window, swirling the liquid in her hands. "Come here, Eirana, I want to show you something,"  
  
I sighed audibly. I did not want her to think I went to her obediently, like a lap dog. I came to the window and looked out. It occurred to me that I had not left the Tower in years, nor looked out a window in a few weeks. What I saw startled me. "Isn't that where the Warders yard used to be?"  
  
She nodded, staring at the foundations of a building. "That will be the Amyrlin's palace,"  
  
I choked. "The...Amyrlin's palace?"  
  
"Yes,"  
  
"A testament to your vanity," I snorted. "No other Amyrlin has ever felt the need for such a place,"  
  
"True," She replied. She did not seem to want to argue.  
  
We where silent for a moment, looking out at the foundations, as if our stares could change it. "Is that all, Elaida?"  
  
"All? No," She set her glass on the windowsill and turned to me, taking my hands in her own. "Eirana...I need you,"  
  
I stared at her. "What?"  
  
"I don't love you. But I want you," She whispered. "I am lonely, Eirana, so lonely. Surely you cannot be fulfilled in your pointless debauchery every night? Oh yes," She said to my astonished look. "I know all about that. Half the Tower does. You've been in everyone's bed at least once,"  
  
I said nothing. Tentatively, she leaned in and kissed me. It was just a swift peck on the lips, though I caught her cheek. She smiled slightly at me and kissed me again.  
  
It was not like the old times. She was surprised. "You're different," She murmured in my ear.  
  
"Yes," I only agreed. I did not offer an explanation.  
  
Now, when she is lonely, she invited me to her rooms. Which is often. She has told me things and I finally told someone of Ishtara. She held me when I cried.  
  
"Eirana?" She asked me vaguely, late one night when I was lying beside her.  
  
"Mm?" I murmured back, eyes half-closed.  
  
"Why did you change?"  
  
I hesitated. Was it just Ishtara...I did not think so. "I'm not sure," I muttered back. I moved closer and pillowed my head on her shoulder. I wrapped my arms around her and she absently kissed my temple. After a moment, I said: "I think it was you,"  
  
"What?"  
  
"When I realised that you didn't love me," I replied. "When I realised that you loved Moiraine Damodred and Siuan Sanche. When I realised you couldn't love me as long as I...was like that," I sighed. It was true. She could never have loved me when I was beating her senseless. I was foolish not to have seen it at the time.  
  
"You loved me?" I heard the shock in her voice. I had never told her until that moment.  
  
"Oh, yes," I chuckled. "I loved you very much,"  
  
She paused and finally whispered, stroking my hair. "I do love you, Eirana,"  
  
"No, you don't," I disagreed.  
  
"I do. Just not in the way you wanted me to," She replied.  
  
I smiled. She was not in love with me, but she loved me. Someone would weep when I died. I found that immensely comforting. "Do you still love Moiraine and Siuan?"  
  
"I don't know," She replied, closing her eyes. "Does it really matter anymore? I could never have them. They never even liked me, let alone lusted after me,"  
  
"I said that to you," I was sad and amused. An odd combination.  
  
"Yes," She sighed. "One of them is dead and the other stilled. *I* stilled her,"  
  
I sat up and looked down at her. She looked up at me and again she looked so sad and vulnerable. "Goodnight, Mother," I muttered, kissing her chastely on the forehead. A strange twist came to her face. I had finally gotten used to the title. It was the breaking of an old barrier. It was the distancing I needed to move on from her.  
  
I slid out from her bed and she didn't try to stop me. Wrapping a sheet about my nude body, I went into the other room and dressed.  
  
Then I left.  
  
~  
  
The End 


	3. A Betrayal

Reflections – Chapter 3 – A Betrayal  
  
Authors Note: Well. Every time I write a new chapter, I tend to get further and further away from the main idea. I have got an idea for a fourth chapter, probably the last one.

The Tower is a lonely place. When you are a Novice, you deal well with it. You are excited to be in the White Tower. The glow of _saidar_ and friends are enough to take the edge off the loneliness.  
  
But, when you are Accepted, I think it begins to wear thin. You realise you are desperate for closeness when you are lying in bed with a close friend, talking softly and exchanging secrets, as so often is the case with young women, and you suddenly notice the touch of their thighs and the curve of their breasts.  
  
I have seen these kinds of relationships form in the Accepted's Quarters – something that the Novices would scoff at. Novices still dream of the Warders' yard.  
  
It is not unusual to sit and listen to the giggles coming from the next room or spot a quick kiss in the corridors.  
  
I began having these...longings...in the fourth year of my time as an Accepted. I could not help it. I had never been attracted to my own gender before – in fact, before I discovered I could channel, I was quite happy to be married to whichever fellow caught my eye – and these new feelings disturbed me greatly.  
  
It did not seem right to notice the shape of someone's lips or the shape of their body. Or even to notice your teachers – to notice and savour whenever they smiled at you or gently touched your forearm.  
  
I met Eirana Sedai when it was discovered my philosophy was lacking. Why, exactly, an Aes Sedai must be able to philosophise is beyond me. In preparation if you ever choose the White Shawl, Merean told me primly. I tried to tell her that I had no intention of choosing the White – those coolly logical, unflappable women unnerved me – but she merely raised one eyebrow and gave me Eirana's name.  
  
Half an hour later, I tentatively tapped her doors in the Red Quarters. The Red Ajah Quarters are somewhat the strangest of all the Quarters. It is a curious thing. In the other Ajahs, sisters are relaxed but none so much as in the Red. In the main hall, there are various seats sprawled about and I had seen two women – both dark haired, though one was tawny where the other was pale – lolling together on a seat. The pale one was sitting on the others knee and seemed at be enjoying gently stroking the others cheek, while the other was reading a book, though her eyes were not moving.  
  
"Come," A voice called from inside.  
  
I pushed open the door and laid eyes on Eirana for the first time. She was leaning against her desk, swirling a cup of wine in her hand, frowning. She was dark-haired and pale-skinned, with dark eyes and full lips. My breath caught. "Eirana Sedai?"  
  
"I am her," Eirana replied, using her soft, sultry tone. She studied me calmly. "What is it, child?"  
  
"Merean Sedai sent me," I replied. "She wanted you to...tutor me...I am lacking in philosophy,"  
  
Eirana raised an eyebrow. "Can a White Sister not do this?" Her tone had become snappish.  
  
"She recommended you," I replied rather meekly.  
  
Eirana closed her eyes for a moment in what I assume was frustration and then replied, her voice laced with annoyance: "Very well," I stood awkwardly, waiting for her to go on. "Tomorrow afternoon – do you have to teach any Novice classes?"  
  
"No, Aes Sedai,"  
  
"Good. Come to me tomorrow, after the second sitting for lunch,"  
  
"As you say, Aes Sedai," I gave a quick curtsey and left the room. At the sight of Eirana, another of those feelings had been aroused. I was shocked. Eirana Sedai had been cold and remote, yet she was still capable of arousing these feelings stronger than anyone I had met before.  
  
The next afternoon, I met her for my first lesson. She gave me the barest flicker of a smile when I entered and immediately set about moulding my perception of philosophy to a standard she deemed passable. With every lesson, she grew warmer and more approachable and I noticed strange things; she touched me more frequently, smiled at me more often than frowned.  
  
She had taken to sitting beside me, book spread over both our laps – it was a huge, leather bound affair and she complained that it must have been Fedegat's heaviest publishing. I enjoyed these studying sessions and even the slightest brushing of our legs would thrill me.  
  
It was a juvenile fantasy.  
  
She had been tutoring me for about eight months before I worked up the courage to do something to make my fantasies reality. "Do you see Fedegat's point?" She asked me, eyeing the manuscript on our knees.  
  
I would never be able to kiss her when she was looking at me. Her eyes would never let me do that. It was now or never. "Oh, yes, I do," I murmured, leaned forward and kissed her jaw.  
  
Her eyes sprung to mine. Her face was shocked, though her eyes did not conform to it. They looked mildly satisfied. She touched the place where I had kissed her with one finger. "What...?"  
  
"I shouldn't have done that, Eirana Sedai," I said miserably, cheeks colouring, twisting my hands in my lap. I had never been more humiliated. "I'm sorry to have...imposed myself on you,"  
  
"Child," She whispered and reached out to touch my cheek. The touch of her hand on my skin, pressed there intentionally, was electrifying. I blinked in surprise. It seemed almost impossible...did she...want _me_? I leaned forward towards her and slowly exhaled over her lips. I would not kiss her unless she wanted me to.  
  
"Eirana?" I half-whispered. She smiled affectionately at me. I took it as an invitation.  
  
I leaned forward and kissed her again. I had kissed and been kissed before, of course, though I had never been quite kissed like this. Those had been chaste, quick kisses between I and village boys – who where mostly looking over their shoulder to see if the Wise Woman would appear and whup them with her broom. This was a...more intimate kiss.  
  
Her mouth opened and her arms entwined about me. When we broke apart, I was breathing heavily. She smiled again at me and gently took my hand in her own, stood up and pulled me up with her and finally led me to her bedchamber.  
  
Oddly, the first thing I noticed was that her bed was much bigger and much more luxurious than mine. Strange what one observes. A part of me was excited. The other part – larger part, I might add – was terrified.  
  
I stood awkwardly, unsure of what to do, as she removed the clip that held her hair in place. Smiling, she drew me towards the bed. "Eirana?" I began hesitantly.  
  
"Mm?" She looked at me.  
  
"I am...I am...inexperienced,"  
  
She laughed softly, a husky sound in her throat. "I assure you, Ishtara; that is of no consequence,"  
  
My first time with Eirana was memorable. She was tender and gentle and kissed me in places I had never been kissed in before. When she kissed my breast, it ignited a sharp cry of shock. Arousal, I noticed, heightened my awareness. Skin on skin was more thrilling than anything I had experienced before.  
  
Later, when I was lying beside her, she said softly: "This must be kept between us,"  
  
I propped myself up on my elbow and looked down at her. "Of course,"  
  
"Merean would skin my hide," She smiled rather wryly and I leaned down to kiss her, when she pushed me back and leaned atop me. I made an odd sound in my throat as her hands brushed my breasts, teasing the nipples, and then crept down further.  
  
I loved Eirana. I loved her but I never told her. It was thrilling, those months. I had not been with anyone like Eirana before. I had not been with anyone before, come to think of it.  
  
After that first time with her, we abandoned all attempts at formality. I never called her 'Sedai' again...except once. She bit my ear quite hard, I recall.  
  
We _did_ attempt to have lessons...but it was difficult, what with me sitting on her lap and her more often than not buried in a large, over stuffed chair, hand running up and down my thigh, usually undoing buttons with the other.  
  
There is something remarkably distracting about having someone kissing your shoulder and touching your breast while channelling.  
  
I fumbled the one hundred weaves more often than I got them right. I found myself sneaking off during the day to see her. My teachers berated me and, to be frank, I didn't care that much.  
  
I had Eirana and that was all that mattered. Who cared if I couldn't manoeuvre in the Game of Houses? What did it matter if I didn't know the in and outs of Tairen port trading?  
  
A few girls in the Accepted Quarters smiled at me and said I must have some young man in the Warders Yard. They knew I wasn't having an affair with any of the Accepted, as that would be known and dissected by now, and the thought of an Aes Sedai did not seem to occur to them. Their idea of an Aes Sedai was Merean.  
  
And doing what I was doing with Eirana with Merean made me slightly queasy. Once, I remember, we came very close to being caught by the Mistress. Eirana explained that if we where caught, I could expect to wait a few decades for the shawl and she could spend those decades on a farm, digging up turnips.  
  
The thought of Eirana, sweaty, digging up turnips, made me smile.  
  
It was a warm day in the middle of summer when we where nearly discovered. The other Accepted had been given a free day and had been sent outside – to 'take the good of the air', Merean explained, and swim and whatnot.  
  
Yet I was kept inside. Deana Sedai had found me lacking in economics. I had not studied Andor trade as I should have and so, as punishment, would be confined to the library to learn what I should have learned in winter.  
  
I had not mentioned this to Eirana and so was more than surprised when I felt her arms encircle me from behind. I had not heard her come up behind me, in the near-silent library. "Eirana!" I gasped in shock, as only Eirana would have kissed my ear.  
  
"I thought I would find you here," She sounded deeply amused.  
  
"How –?" I swivelled around to face her and she stopped my words with a soft finger on my lips.  
  
"I have my ways," Her eyes twinkled enigmatically.  
  
I stood up and attempted to push her away. We where nearing the same height, though she was still a few inches taller. "You should not be here!" I said worriedly. "The Mistress –"  
  
"Is outside enjoying the sunshine," She supplied, catching my wrist and kissing it. "As you should be. Have you ever made love in the sun?"  
  
I flushed. "No,"  
  
"On a table?" She gently pushed me back until I banged up against the heavy, oaken desk I had spread my books out over. Very obviously, she meant that table. In the middle of the library. With Brown sisters nearby who had not been able to tear themselves from their books.  
  
I wetted my lips – not the only things that where wet that at minute. "We can't –" I began.  
  
"Why not? There is no one but the Browns who would not notice if the Tower was crumbling about their ears," She smiled beguilingly at me.  
  
I hesitated and she wasted no time. She lifted me onto the desk and pushed me backwards, as she scrambled up herself, until she was on top of me, kissing me as her hand pushed up my dress.  
  
Through the moans, I barely heard it. The soft clicking of shoes on a marble floor. "Stop!" I gasped.  
  
"What?" She demanded, looking up, mouth covered with liquid.  
  
"Listen,"  
  
We listened and I heard the footsteps again, louder now and soft humming. Eirana's eyes suddenly became panicked and she rolled off me, sliding off the table, looking wildly about for a place to hide.  
  
"Under the desk!" I hissed.  
  
She nodded and scrambled under, safe in the shadows. I was not so lucky. I had not the time to get off the desk – or even pull down my dress. Merean rounded the bookcase and stared at me as though I was mad. Then her eyes narrowed. "Entertaining yourself, Accepted?" She said crisply.  
  
I flushed and hopped down off the table, pulling down my skirts. Her eyes where flinty and she spoke coldly. "I have no concern what you do in your own time – in the privacy of your rooms – but I would prefer if that was where such activities where kept!" She scowled at the books Eirana and I had crushed under us. "I don't expect Deana Sedai will be pleased at what you where using her books for,"  
  
"I...I apologise," I said humbly. This was better than Eirana being found out.  
  
"I was coming here to tell you to take the rest of the day off. However, seeing you are incapable of studying for an hour on your own, I will return at the end of the day to quiz you personally on economics. I will know –" She stared hard at me. "If you have been doing other things," Then she turned and strode off.  
  
I wiped sweat from my brow as Eirana crawled out from under the table. She paused only to kiss me briefly and murmur a hasty apology, before she hurried off.  
  
We laughed about it later, when we had both drank substantial amounts of wine. I conceded that I would have to study harder and so, within half a year, Merean told me I had 'turned myself around and was almost ready for the shawl'.  
  
I was thrilled at the prospect of being tested within a month and rushed off to tell Eirana. For some reason, she seemed subdued by the news, as I blustered on; talking about choosing the Red Ajah so, we could be together. I could think of nothing better than lolling in one of those chairs where the corridors intersected publicly with Eirana.  
  
Yet she looked up sharply from her wine glass. "Don't be stupid," She said rather sharply. "Choose the one best suited to your personality. We can still see each other, even if we are in different Ajahs. I always thought you where rather apt at Healing,"  
  
I blinked, but conceded her words. Before I had met Eirana, I had always wanted the Yellow Ajah.  
  
That month she suggested we go out – something she never had before. I did not know where she was taking me, yet I went along. I would have followed Eirana to Shayol Ghul if she had wanted me to.  
  
She drew me onwards, through the darkened Tower grounds, a small smile on her face, until we reached the small lake that I had visited rarely. Now it was lit up in the moonlight, glowing eerily silver in the moonlight.  
  
"It's beautiful," I murmured.  
  
"Isn't it?" She muttered in reply, stepping up behind me, encircling me in her arms and breathily kissing my neck. "It is said that the Amyrlin regularly meets the Keeper here,"  
  
"Why?" I asked, and then it clicked with me. I giggled at the thought of two old women doing what Eirana and I did. "I see,"  
  
"Do you think Aes Sedai are devoid of such longings?" She muttered, again breathily. Her voice was always breathy when aroused. "You know I certainly am not,"  
  
"Oh, I know _you_ are unique, Eirana Sedai," I muttered in reply, turning and kissing her.  
  
Silently, she smiled. I noticed small pinpricks of sweat on her brow and wondered at them. Then she gently pressed me to the ground and began undoing the buttons of my Accepted's dress. At first, I thought I would be cold, yet she trailed her mouth down my back as soon as it was bare and I moaned softly, body reacting by flushing under her administrations. I would not be cold tonight. "What if someone comes?" I whimpered softly, not wishing it to end.  
  
"Let them come," She responded, now pushing my dress away and kissing just above my breasts. "It is not a unique sight to see two Aes Sedai here...doing what we are doing,"  
  
That made me laugh. We, as Novice and Accepted, had always assumed that Aes Sedai where celibate. Not so. "If any of the Accepted where to know this..."  
  
"They'd be scandalised. Hush now,"  
  
I fell silent and she kissed my nipples, trailing her mouth down so that her tongue flicked inside my navel. Then trailed further.  
  
I always liked Eirana to kiss the inside of my thigh, just below my crotch, she did so now, and I moaned softly, enjoying the sensation.  
  
Abruptly, Eirana made a guttural sound in her throat. I looked down at her, puzzled as she slowly shook her head as though to clear it. "Are you alright –"  
  
She bit me. Hard. So hard I felt the skin tear and blood trickle down the inside of my thigh. I cried out. "What – Eirana!"  
  
She ignored me. I stared at her in horror, as she seemed to push her face into my thigh, as though she liked the taste of my blood. Feeling disgusted, I began to push her away, yet suddenly she pounced atop me.  
  
I had always thought Eirana's strength a blessing. She could lift me against walls and push me atop tables. Now she could hold me down as a dagger appeared in her hand and she began to scratch at me, tearing my flesh, while biting at my neck.  
  
I did not like my crotch being bitten and chewed. Her teeth tore and scratched like some sort of animal. Blood and liquid ran freely down my legs and finally, seizing an initiative, I embraced _saidar_ and flung it at her. She reeled backwards, hit a tree and fell, crumpled naked beneath it. She was moaning, sweat breaking out over her back and forehead.  
  
Staggering to my feet, I realised I should have taken more notice of that perspiration on her forehead and fevered gaze. I tentatively touched my crotch and was rewarded with blood over my fingers. Tear trickled down my face, yet I did not release _saidar_. I gripped my dress with numbed fingers and pulled it on quickly, as I heard Eirana began to sound more coherent. Furious, I spun and stared down at her. I had heard of rape before; it would have been easier if I had not known her.  
  
She looked up blearily at me, curled up on the ground. "What?" She asked.  
  
I could not believe she would ask me that. I kicked her, furiously, in the stomach, venting my rage.  
  
"What?" She gasped again, biting her lip.  
  
"You...you're a monster...Light, Eirana, what where you thinking?" I demanded, pulling back my leg again.  
  
"What did I do?" She asked me bleakly. She stared at my crotch in horror. "Oh light...did I hurt you?"  
  
"Oh, yes," I whispered. "You hurt me,"  
  
I kicked her again.  
  
Then Eirana did something I had never seen her do before. She burst into tears. She had held me when I wept numerous times, yet this was the first I had ever seen her. It occurred to me that I had only ever seen the pleasant side of Eirana – perhaps that first day when she had almost ignored me was the real Eirana. Maybe I had not, as I had thought, seen the real woman. I had fallen in love with a sham. "Why?" I asked her softly. "Why? I loved you,"  
  
"I thought...I thought...you where...Elaida," She choked.  
  
"Elaida? Elaida Sedai?" I whispered, feeling unnaturally cold.  
  
"Yes...I loved her..." She began to sob, shuddering gasps that shook her frail frame. She could not move; she was too ill for that. I released _saidar_, feeling empty, the lack of the source not the only reason. I knelt beside her, a small inkling of pity breaking through my revulsion. I loved her. I still did, as much as I hated to admit it. I could not so idly turn my back on it.  
  
Slowly, I wove weaves of Healing. They had little effect. This was beyond my ability. Eirana cried out and convulsed in agony. "You must help me...please..." She muttered softly, clutching at my dress.  
  
"I'll get you your dress," I said coldly. "But I'm not helping you,"  
  
And I didn't. Not for a while, at least. I watched her toil to put it on and then I watched her grim struggle to gain footing. She could not walk. Instead, she crawled towards the Tower, falling on her face and laying there twitching in the dirt. "I'm going to die out here," She whispered in a flat sort of voice.  
  
I hesitated briefly, and then pulled her up, helping her walk, and half carrying her. I couldn't let her die.  
  
"I am so sorry," She whispered into my hair.  
  
I didn't acknowledge it. After a few moments of silent walking, I realised I was not making much progress. Eirana was heavy and it would take me all night to get her to the Tower. I sat her down. "I'm going to get the Yellows. I can't carry you any further,"  
  
Fresh tears welled up in her eyes. She thought I had left her to die. But I hadn't. I went briefly to my room to make myself presentable, washed my crotch quickly and hoped I would not bleed while in the presence of the Yellow Sisters. It would not shame only Eirana if our involvement where to be found out. I ignored the sharp twinges whenever I walked.  
  
I knocked the door of a woman name Guendain, who I knew asked little questions. I spun her a tale about how I had stumbled upon Eirana walking in the Tower grounds and she accepted it without many questions, even if it was well past Accepted curfew. In fact, once I had led them to a now unconscious Eirana, she told be to go to bed.  
  
Sleeping was a painful experience. I dissolved into tears the minute the door shut behind me, crying in both emotional and physical pain. Eirana's betrayal stung me even worse than my crotch and I moved stiffly the next day, suppressing wounds and agony by a complaint of the cold. I asked Merean briefly about Eirana and she told me, with worried eyes, that the Sisters feared for her life.  
  
I tried to tell myself I did not care that much. But I did. I worried for her and longed to see her – longed for things to go back to the way they where. As much as she had hurt me, I did love her.  
  
The next week I was called for my test for the shawl. Stripped naked, there was a shocked pause as Merean stared at the wounds that where not fully healed and the red marks. Yet the Test could not be stopped once it was started and she briefly wove weaves of healing to ease my pain, though she didn't ask where I had come by the injuries.  
  
I stepped through the _Ter'Angreal_ and was confronted with my first test. I thought I would have been more nervous, yet all I could summon was numbed indifference. A depression, of sorts.  
  
Two men, leering. A terror unlike any other filled me. All thoughts of the one hundred weaves vanished from my mind. It reminded me of Eirana. I flung my hand back and flung fire at them.  
  
White light engulfed everything and I screamed.The End 


	4. The Keeper

Reflections – Chapter 4– The Keeper  
  
Authors Note: The last chapter in the Reflections...thing. Moreover, the time line is slightly off, I think.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own the Wheel of Time  
  
I awoke to the sound of smashing glass. Alarmed, I sat up in bed. Glancing to my right, I noted that Elaida was gone. Oh, yes, of course. Alviarin had come in a moment ago – or a while ago, I couldn't remember correctly – to tell her of some nonsense that I was half-asleep when I listened to it. Covarla so-and-so had returned from Cairhien. Elaida had seemed agitated about that – or at least I thought she was. Hard to tell with half closed eyes.  
  
I heard a shriek of fury. And another, louder crash.  
  
That wasn't normal. I flung back the bedclothes, not bothering to dress or even sling a robe over my shoulders, hurrying to the doorway, only to gasp in amazement. Elaida stood in the centre of the room, back to me, dressed in a fine silken robe, staring at the tapestry that was now covered in liquid stains and shards of glass clinging to it, more scattered about the floor. She seemed to be examining her hands, running a finger along the bruise on her palm that she had given herself earlier, in another rage, breaking her delicate fish ornament in the process.  
  
I wetted dry lips, uncertain. Elaida's temper had been erratic for the past weeks, for vague reasons that I really had no interest in. What did I care that was going on in the Hall, as long as I slept with Elaida every night? That seven-striped (or six striped now) stole was just one more item of clothing I had to remove every night.  
  
A soft chuckled escaped her throat and I spoke softly: "What's going on?"  
  
Elaida merely looked around at me, a smile dropping from her face. "How long have you been there?" She demanded, her voice harsh.  
  
I raised one eyebrow coolly. She might have been the Amyrlin Seat, but that voice could not scare me off or make me quiver. "Since I heard you destroy that pitcher," I nodded towards the tapestry.  
  
Elaida seemed to relax slightly. She nodded. "Go back to bed," She commanded me absently, turning away. "I need to make preparations for tomorrow morning,"  
  
I stiffened slightly. "What's happening tomorrow?"  
  
"Things," she said shortly. I crossed my arms irritably. "That would be much more effective if you weren't naked," She commented, a twinkle of amusement in her eyes.  
  
At least she wasn't completely gone, yet. I came forward, began to stroke up and down her sides, and smiled appealingly up at her. "Are you coming back to bed? We are both awake..."  
  
She chuckled quietly and kissed my forehead. For a moment, I thought she was going to relent and let me lead her back to bed, yet she pushed me away, reluctantly brushing her hands ever so briefly over my breasts. "Go back to bed,"  
  
I frowned at her. Her eyes glittering flintily. "What did Alviarin say to you?" I asked curiously, reaching up to flick back her hair.  
  
She jerked back from my touch, gripping my wrist with surprising strength, wincing when she put pressure on her bruise, yet she did not let go. "None of your concern," She breathed. "Now leave me,"  
  
I fought an upsurge of anger. I had tried to reign my temper in. I could get...unpredictable when angered. I was proud of myself. I just tightened my lips, shot her a scathing gaze, and strode back to bed.  
  
The next morning, the argument was forgotten and I had Elaida pinned to her desk.  
  
She was moaning into my hair, as I pushed up her skirt. One hand on her knee, I jerked upwards for a final kiss – roughly, raggedly, with her almost biting my tongue – before I ducked downwards.  
  
My tongue darted out and she gasped, digging her nails into my scalp. She was trembling, face flushed.  
  
"Hu-hum," A low cough interrupted us.  
  
I looked around irritably. Alviarin, as always. Woman must have walked in at least five times on us since Elaida was made Amyrlin. I thought it amusing that she almost always picked the moment when things where getting the most interesting – perhaps the straight-laced White Sister entertained fantasies of her own.  
  
Elaida's face still flushed though, as she slid off the desk, pushing her skirts down discreetly. I merely smiled at Alviarin, running my hand through my hair. "Was there something?"  
  
Stiffly, she ignored me, giving a jerky curtsey to Elaida. "Mother," she said brusquely.  
  
"Hardly the proper tone," I noted, flopping into one of the chairs that sat facing the Amyrlin's desk. I loved provoking Alviarin – especially seeing as how she took it upon herself to act as if I did not exist.  
  
She shot me a look of utter contempt. "Send your whore away, Mother,"  
  
My eyebrows rose at her insolence, yet Elaida didn't seem to be affected by it. She would not have addressed Siuan Sanche like that. "Jealous, Alvie?" I murmured softly. "Perhaps you want to get between my legs yourself," I patted my lap welcomingly, spreading my legs slightly.  
  
A small sneer lit up her face. "Perhaps if I were mad,"  
  
"You're not already?"  
  
"Like I said, Mother; send your whore away. She can lick your legs later,"  
  
"Oh, I do more than lick her legs," I said mildly.  
  
Elaida had grown steadily more crimson. "Leave us, Eirana,"  
  
I glanced at her, surprised. She gave me a barely discreet nod. Sighing, I got to my feet and stalked past Alviarin, who shot me a look of triumph. I think she was duly shocked when I patted her behind and heard Elaida's soft chuckle.  
  
Feeling suitably successful, I left the room. It was still early morning yet and I was bored, wandering to and fro in the Tower. I knew very little of the Tower politics. I left that to Elaida to deal with – as much as I hate to deem Alviarin correct, she was right in one respect; I was Elaida's whore. I did not care that much as long as I lay beside Elaida every night. Though I enjoyed Elaida caring so much. It was...enjoyable to rub the tension out of her shoulders.  
  
It was late in the evening before I seen Elaida again. I was sitting at a table in her apartment, playing stones against myself – losing, apparently. She came home with a weak smile for me, looking pale and wan. "Good evening," I said mildly, not taking my eyes from the board.  
  
She came to stand beside me, watched me for a moment, and then sat in my lap. I looked at her, surprised. Elaida very rarely sat in my lap – even though she knew I enjoyed it. "What are you doing?" She murmured softly, laying her head on my shoulder.  
  
"Playing stones," I said, gesturing. It was an odd game we played. One of us would lure the other; it was never as simple as merely falling into bed together. "I'm losing,"  
  
"Against yourself?"  
  
"I know – I didn't think it could be accomplished either," I studied the board, intensely aware of her heat on my lap and against my body. I reached out a hand to move a piece, aware that it trembled slightly. "Tell me; was the business with Alviarin resolved?"  
  
A strange tension filled her. She was not as fluid as she was a moment ago. "Oh, yes," She said mildly.  
  
"Mm...you didn't break another one of your carvings, did you?"  
  
"No," She replied.  
  
"Honestly, Elaida, you should tightened the leash on –"  
  
"Lets not talk of Alviarin," She said abruptly. "The Keeper spoiled one of our meetings today; don't let her ruin another,"  
  
I was bemused by this. "As you say,"  
  
She watched me a moment longer, then said in a cajoling tone, "Is that game really that interesting?"  
  
"Fascinating," How the first oath let me say that is beyond me.  
  
"As interesting as this?" She grasped my hand that had been hovering over the board and brought it to her breast. I smirked as I felt the fabric strain. "Or this?" Her voice was getting lower. Her hand guided mine to her bare thigh, her dress having been pulled up when I wasn't looking.  
  
I paused.  
  
"Do you really have to consider, dearest?"  
  
My hands found the back of her dress, practically wrenching the buttons away. I kissed her and pressed her backwards, climbing atop her. She smiled at me, running her tongue along her lower lip.  
  
"Alviarin was right in one thing, though," I said huskily.  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"I am your whore,"  
  
Awhile later, when we lay in bed, the lights extinguished and blankets pulled up about us, I could have sworn I felt soft sobs shake Elaida's body.  
  
Later, I realised why Elaida felt the need for tears. Sitting comfortably in a chair in the Red Ajah Quarters, reading, I overheard a conversation between two Aes Sedai. One, I knew, Herimas, an Andoran, the other I did not, though she was evidently from the north – borderlands, if I was not mistaken.  
  
"Look at this – madness," Herimas hissed, passing a sheaf of parchment to the other one.  
  
The borderlander accepted the parchment discreetly, scanning it and then whistled softly. "The world now knows that Rand al'Thor is the Dragon Reborn. The world knows that he is a man –"  
  
"I didn't say to read it aloud!" Herimas muttered, pressing a hand to the other woman's wrist.  
  
I glanced up at them, sitting on the other side of room. This place was almost a common room of sorts, a number of chairs (red, of course) seated in the intersection where the corridors of the Red Ajah Quarters met. My interest had been piqued. Yet I kept my eyes on my book, feigning both unhearing and being uninterested. I had noticed Sisters huddling in corners these past weeks, discussing 'men who could channel' or whatever. I had not taken much notice. The Red Ajah had found only a hand full of male channellers in the past decade – granted three at once – but surely these rumours of hundreds of men channeling where foolish?  
  
"'Granted the protection of the tower'," The borderlander muttered. "Why, under the light, would Elaida sign something like this? This is madness. Al'Thor doesn't need any of our protection. This will only infuriate him,"  
  
"Yes, yes...but didn't you hear? Covarla came back to the tower. With only twelve Aes Sedai. Twelve," Herimas shuddered. "Bad times for the Tower now,"  
  
I did not understand the significance of it. As I said, I had not been paying much attention. Abruptly, Herimas glanced around at me and her jaw tightened. She lowered her voice and muttered to the borderlander and they both moved off.  
  
I shut the cover of my book with a snap. Everyone in the Tower knew who I was – or what I was. People calling her 'mad' in the hallways would not go down well with Elaida. Yet I pondered. Elaida was not stupid. She wouldn't have come up with something like this off her own bat.  
  
Slowly, I straightened my skirts and strode off, in the direction of the Amyrlin's apartments. If I could aid Elaida, I would. Discord in the Tower at such a crucial point – when the last battle was coming (I knew enough to know that) – was not a good thing. On my way up the stairs – I detested all these steps up to her rooms, even though I knew she loved the view, in my opinion, it simply wasn't worth it – I passed the Mistress of the Novices, Silviana, on the way down. She gave me a quick nod, before trudging on. I smirked. I knew Silviana's reputation. Hard with the belt or the switch. She was also quite rough in bed, I recall.  
  
I knocked the door to her room, to be greeted only with silence. I sighed impatiently and pushed open the door. Elaida would not give a penance to me. Yet there was no sign of her in the first room, only stalks of broken roses – blue, the rarest. For some reason, that unsettled me. Elaida loved those damnable roses, why would she be breaking them?  
  
"Elaida?" I called.  
  
"Eirana?" Her voice replied, from the bedroom.  
  
I frowned again, yet quickly made my way across the room to the door. "I'm coming in,"  
  
"No –" Her half-shriek was cut off by me flinging open the door. I took one- step inside and then stopped dead.  
  
Elaida was seated on the bed, naked, tears running freely down her face, shift discarded on the floor, biting her lip. She raised her head to me and whimpered: "Leave me alone. Please," She added as an afterthought.  
  
I merely stared at her, numbed. "What's going on?" I instinctively looked around for another lover. That was the only reason I could think of for her to be here, naked. Unless she was entertaining herself, which would not have made her cry.  
  
Silviana. The name clicked with me. Silviana liked making her lovers cry. I flushed with fury and betrayal. "Silviana," I muttered darkly. "You've been sleeping with Silviana,"  
  
She looked blankly at me. "No, of course not," She shifted and winced suddenly, closing her eyes in pain.  
  
I thanked the light for the first oath. "Then, what –?" I gasped as she turned her back to me. Red welts ran the length and breadth of her back, red and some bleeding, dribbling down her in fine rivulets.  
  
A small – very small – part of me liked it. A part of me ached tear my own nails down her back. I gritted my teeth, disgusted at myself, moving forward and sitting on her bed, gently touching the flesh. She cried out in agony, gripping the bed sheets.  
  
"Hush, hush," I whispered, kissing her gently on the neck. I embraced saidar and quickly wove weaves of Healing, pressing my hands to the back of her head. She went rigid, breath coming out in sharp gasps. Before my eyes, the wounds healed and their redness lessened. Yet I was not a Yellow Sister. I couldn't completely Heal them. The sores remained, lessened, yet still there. When I released saidar, she fell limply back into my arms, face pale and wan, and sweat faintly making her dark hair damp. Tears still ran freely down her face and she sniffled, pressing her face into my breast. "I'm going to get Guendain," I decided suddenly, moving to get up, yet she gripped me.  
  
"No," She muttered. "No, please don't..."  
  
I hesitated. "How did this happen?"  
  
"Silviana," she mumbled and I opened my mouth, ready to reassert my accusations of an affair. "No, no...a private penance..."  
  
"A...what?" I frowned at her. "Sisters who take penances at every opportunity are fools, Elaida. Especially when there is no need," I stroked her hair. "Why did you accept it?"  
  
"I didn't," Tears fell with more intensity now and her voice quivered. "I didn't! It was Alviarin," She moaned as though the name caused her physical pain. "It was her! All her doing! Two weeks she was gone, Eirana, two weeks and I had hoped – prayed even – that she laid dead somewhere. Under a snow bank, somewhere cold with no one to mourn her," She dissolved again into sobs that shook her body and I merely held her, thinking on her words.  
  
"But...why?" I asked. "You're the Amyrlin Seat. She's just the Keeper,"  
  
"A puppet Amyrlin," She whispered. "I'm a puppet for her. By the Light, she's holding a sword over my head. I've been so stupid!"  
  
I waited for her to continue. After a few moments of stilling her sobs so there they where only whimpers, she spoke softly: "The disaster at Dumai's Wells, the certain disaster at the Black Tower – the Asha'men," She grimaced. "The rebels approaching, the rumours coming out of Cairhien, Covarla...light! It just gets worse! The Hall will depose me and still me! Still me! I suppose I deserve that, don't I? I stilled Siuan Sanche..." She sighed. That regret still burned at her. "I hope they will let me leave," she whispered. "I hope they don't make me serve as a scullery maid. I would like just to crawl off and die decently like a stilled woman should –"  
  
I hit her then. Not as hard as I once would have – a slap, almost – yet almost as hard as Silviana with that belt of hers. It was amazingly agile, as she was clasped to my breast.  
  
She gasped and jerked out of my arms. Her eyes blazed. "What –?"  
  
"You where babbling," I told her, gently clasping her by the shoulders. I kissed her firmly and hugged her, so that she laid her head on my shoulder. I stared down at the red marks on her back, worried. Yet I kept my voice optimistic. "You will find a way out, I promise you,"  
  
She made a non-committal sound in her throat.  
  
I was there when Alviarin decided to return. Elaida, grimfaced, sat in her chair. I stood by the window, arms folded. I scowled at Alviarin when she entered. The serene Keeper flashed me the smallest of smirks. "Good day to you, Eirana," she said, her tone slightly mocking.  
  
"Alviarin,"  
  
She glanced towards Elaida. "I see you don't have Mother bent over her desk again,"  
  
"No," I said coldly.  
  
Her eyes narrowed as she scrutinised me. She stepped very close, eyeing me up and down. "You know," It was not a question. A fully-fledged smirk lit up her face.  
  
"Yes," I replied. "I do. And it's pathetic,"  
  
"Pathetic?" Her eyes glittered frostily. "And you are not, my dear? Whore to a woman who doesn't love you, yet you love her and can't tear yourself away from her? Never trying to better yourself, never hoping to be a sitter or research the One Power, living solely for her pleasure...isn't that pathetic? Someone who would die inside if they couldn't make her come at least once at day?"  
  
My face was white. I was staring at her, mouth dry. No one – no one – had ever thrown that up in my face. Yet she continued.  
  
"And what about that Accepted you slept with for years? Ishtara, wasn't that her name?"  
  
"How do you –?"  
  
"I have my ways," She was smiling unpleasantly. "You didn't think everyone was unaware, did you? Did you think the eyes of the White Tower where blind? Oh, granted, no one in power knew about your little liaison. Merean would have skinned your hide," She laughed harshly. "Yet a few knew, a few eyes and ears here and there," Her eyes slid to Elaida, who looked on the verge of tears again. "Tell me; was she as good as Elaida? Did she taste as good?"  
  
"Shut up!" I was trembling with fury. I took half a step forward. "Just shut up!"  
  
"Touched a nerve, have I?" That smirk became a genuine smile. "Has Elaida told you everything?"  
  
"Of course," I said through clenched teeth.  
  
"Everything?" I did not like that expression on her face. She turned suddenly to Elaida. "Repeat it," She commanded.  
  
Elaida shuddered. "I will do as I am told," She muttered softly, staring at the tabletop.  
  
"Louder!" Alviarin snapped. "Louder, like you're shouting it in the Hall,"  
  
"I will do as I am told," Elaida said in a louder voice, a flat, resigned voice. "I will speak the words you tell me to speak and no more. I will sign what you tell me to sign and nothing else. I am obedient to your will,"  
  
I gaped at her. I swung around, angrily, to Alviarin. "That's sadistic!" I snarled. "That's bloody sadistic!"  
  
"You're hypocritical today, Eirana," Alviarin said coolly. "You where quite apt at sadism in your younger days,"  
  
That left me fumbling for words. How did she know these things? Eyes and ears...they would not have known that. Not unless they had a peephole to my bedroom.  
  
"Think, Eirana, think," She patted my cheek. "I could have your dear Elaida here do anything. Anything,"  
  
I licked my lips. "What would you have her do?" I said hoarsely.  
  
"Well...she is quite attractive, isn't she? In a severe kind of way, of course," Alviarin murmured in a sultry tone. "She'd be a lovely notch up the bedpost for many people...I included. And I would not be a gentle as you where. Now or in the past,"  
  
"You would not," I said faintly. "You would not. I would kill you,"  
  
"You'd kill me?" Alviarin snorted. "Should I be quaking in my boots?" I gripped my skirts with both hands to stop myself from hitting her. "Now. Leave us alone," She made a dismissive gesture. "And speak one word of this to anyone and you know what I'll do,"  
  
I stood resolutely, unwilling to leave.  
  
"Go, Eirana," Elaida commanded quietly.  
  
With ruffled dignity, I left.  
  
That night, I fumed against Alviarin while I rubbed salve into Elaida's wounds. That bluster was to cover the cringing. I was mortified to know that she knew Elaida didn't love me. That she knew how I felt inside. She knew how desperate I was, how I clung to Elaida's tenuous affection.  
  
Later, when Elaida was curled up in my arms, I said, "We will find a way to bring her down, my love, you and I,"  
  
Elaida didn't reply.  
  
The next few weeks where nightmarish. Elaida seemed to grow unsure by the hour, yet she kept repeating a single word to herself to keep her steady. 'Foretelling'.  
  
Had she had a foretelling? I asked her. Indeed, she had, she replied with a triumphant smile. About how 'Rand al'Thor will face the Amyrlin Seat and know her anger'.  
  
I smiled at this, yet ice formed in my stomach. Ah yes, he would face the Amyrlin Seat. But...it hadn't said which Amyrlin Seat.  
  
Elaida or this rebel leader, Egwene al'Vere?  
  
Yet I did not voice this. Elaida was barely holding onto the power she had. Yet she had a secret scheme, something she would not even tell me, to bring Alviarin down. How long, though? The weeks where ticking by with no sign of any strong evidence to pull down Alviarin.  
  
I was more than surprised to have Alviarin visit me, the day before she set off on one of her wanders into the countryside where no one knew where she went or what she did.  
  
She stalked into my apartments, taking in the surroundings and me in one sweep of her eyes.  
  
My eyebrows rose, yet I shut the cover of my book calmly. "What do you want?" My voice was hardly warm. If anything, it should have frozen the sun at its zenith.  
  
"I want to talk to you, Eirana," She said serenely, not sitting down, standing, arms crossed in front of the fire.  
  
"About?" I said snappishly.  
  
"Your...attachment to Elaida," She smirked. "I want it to end. Now,"  
  
"Oh? Do you now?" I stood up, facing her squarely. "It may come as a surprise to you, Alvie, but I do not take orders from you,"  
  
"But your lover does," She smiled at me through her eyelashes. "I want Elaida to be an empty husk, someone I can bend and mould easily, someone who will not question me like she continues to do, no matter how many times I send Silviana to her or beat her myself –" her eyes glittered with an unnatural pleasure. "And to do that I must remove you. She depends on you for moral support, for someone to turn to and...get comfort from," Her mouth twisted.  
  
"And why should it end?" I asked coolly.  
  
"In the end, I might let Elaida live,"  
  
That cold statement made my blood freeze. "You intend to expose her to the Hall?"  
  
"Oh, I don't know," She smiled idly. "Strange things happen in the night, don't they? People get smothered under blankets, assassins creep in..." She let the thought trail away. "But one way or another Elaida do Roihan Aviny will end up deposed,"  
  
I didn't say anything, chewing my lip.  
  
Slowly, she approached me. "You wouldn't be lonely, Eirana," She whispered. "Not lonely at all," She kissed the side of my jaw. "I would find it amusing to have you,"  
  
I shoved her away, disgusted, stalking to the window. "I would not sleep with you, Alviarin, not even to save my life,"  
  
"But to save Elaida's?" She asked quietly.  
  
I spun and almost jerked in surprise. She stood right behind me, eyes glittering, so close I could smell the faint perfume she wore and feel her breath on my neck. "What would you do to save Elaida's life?" She whispered.  
  
"Anything," I muttered, bowing my head to my chest. "Anything at all,"  
  
"You will make love to me," Alviarin said softly. "And you will praise me and tell me I am better than Elaida," She tipped my head up. "Do you understand?"  
  
Tears running down my face, I took her to my bedroom.  
  
Later, when she caressed my face and kissed me painfully goodbye and left, I lay curled up under my sheets, disgusted.  
  
I could not tell Elaida. I could not tell her that. So, in the days that followed, I went about my normal routine. I went to bed with Elaida every night, though very often did not sleep.  
  
It was almost a relief when the rebel army appeared suddenly, without warning. I hoped they would slaughter us all. I didn't care if they learned Traveling. A sword thrust through the heart would be very welcome at this point.  
  
Yet I forgot Elaida. She took advantage of the situation, twisting the words and laying blame on others, telling the Hall that Alviarin, as Keeper, should be at her Amyrlin's side when the rebels turned up. The hall agreed and, sure enough, Alviarin was deposed as Keeper in one sitting of the Hall.  
  
A nasty little shock waited for Alviarin when she returned.  
  
I saw her soon after she was deposed. Standing on a balcony, touching her forehead with a trembling finger.  
  
"It would seem," I said with a triumphant smile as she turned to me with dull eyes. "That you are finished,"  
  
"Me? Finished?" I was surprised she could muster such scorn. She turned her back on me. "I may not be Keeper any more, Eirana, but I am not finished. Not yet. Not while the sun still rises in the east and the wheel turns,"  
  
"Trite rubbish," I replied. "This is the end for you,"  
  
She laughed as I walked away.  
  
The End. For good this time. 


	5. Same As Always

Chapter Five – Same As Always  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the Wheel of Time.  
  
Authors Note: I didn't think the last chapter gave Elaida and Eirana the closure they deserved. And I know, I've been saying 'The End' for the past four chapters, but here's another one. This one is probably the last one. I don't think I can do much more with 'Reflections'.  
  
Thanks especially to Jeriana Sedai. :D  
  
She did not look like Elaida. Her straight back had slumped, her hair had whitened...yet she still had that pride. That pride that hinted at what once had been.  
  
She knew me right away, of course. Her eyes widened in shock, yet she bowed her head, as was appropriate for a village woman to an Aes Sedai. Kasria licked her lips expectantly. "Is this the woman, Aes Sedai?"  
  
I glanced briefly at the girl, the one who the innkeeper had recommended in the village. "Yes, child, yes," I pressed a coin into her hand. Yet she still hovered expectantly, obviously eager to hear what an Aes Sedai could want with a village herbiest. Not even a Wisdom – or was it Wise Woman in these parts? – just an old woman who had limited knowledge of Healing. Elaida knew little enough in the field to be regarded as anything impressive in the Tower – though in the remote parts of Murandy, it was enough to earn food.  
  
"I remember the path you led me well, Kasria," I said sharply.  
  
She hesitated, before bowing her head much in the same fashion as Elaida had and leaving, closing the door behind her. I glanced about Elaida's home – a hut, no more, on the outskirts of a village. Very different from the grandeur she had once enjoyed. Along the way, she had learned humbleness to go with her humiliation. If it had not been for that pride, I would think she had completely changed.  
  
"Eirana," She murmured. She looked me up and down and I detected the faintest spark of desire there – quickly suppressed.  
  
I took half a step forward to touch her cheek, yet hesitated and let it drop. She didn't comment, moving off to the fireplace. "Tea?"  
  
I remember a time she would have offered me wine in a gold goblet. Now she held out tea in a cracked cup. I accepted it, sitting down on a rickety stool, on one side of the narrow table that dominated the one-roomed hut. I wondered where she slept. Or if she slept.  
  
She sat opposite me, sipping at her own tea. Her hair had gone white instantly on the stilling – I still remembered that. Her face was not old, yet not young either. It almost resembled the Aes Sedai agelessness, if not quite.  
  
For a moment, we where silent. Not the reunion I had expected. I had not expected Elaida to be so subdued – nor had I anticipated my own hesitancy. I imagined the old times, when I would have torn her clothes off.  
  
"It has been a long time," She finally said.  
  
"Yes," I agreed softly. "Twenty years, I think,"  
  
She smiled vaguely. "And how is the Tower – how is Egwene –" Her mouth twisted slightly around the name. "Al'Vere coping?"  
  
I didn't tell her that she was widely regarded as one of the best Amyrlins ever to have lived. No need to rub salt in the wounds. "Fine," It wasn't a lie – even when the three oaths had been lifted at my retirement from the Aes Sedai, I still sought ways around the truth rather than outright lies. I was supposed to be heading to Rasema Hesdini, the Kinwoman who was to take care of me until I adjusted to life outside the Tower. Pah! This al'Vere woman had little faith in us who had been Aes Sedai when she was in swaddling.  
  
The young may have hailed her as a great, yet we – the elder – saw her as a nuisance. Insisting that the oaths be removed upon my retirement – to 'prolong' my life. It meant we could never come out of retirement if we wished – like Romanda or Lelaine, the light bless their souls, had done years before in order to put that girl on the Amyrlin Seat. The halls had been lessening of familiar faces lately – dead or in retirement. And that accused Tower that Elaida had commissioned, now a mocking reminder of the Tower's 'dark years' before the Great Purge. Before Egwene had come to the throne. History painted the halls as an enclave for the Black Ajah. Even second woman was Black, according to histories that Egwene has yet to correct. She had heralded as the one Amyrlin that ever did anything about it – Tamra Ospenya had met her fate at their hands, Sierin Vayu _was_ one if you where to believe rumours, Siuan Sanche denied all existence and Elaida do Avriny á Roihan was barely worth mentioning, a black spot in history, the product of ill judgment. What Egwene fails to recognise was Elaida, who began the search she so dutifully took up – Seaine and Pevara, both as legendary as Moiraine Damodred, would not have found any evidence if Elaida had not informed them to look.  
  
She nodded. I knew she was aching to ask me questions – it was a well-held fact that Elaida had died soon after stilling. She had been sent into the wilds with sisters to take care of her – Egwene was not so barbaric as to execute the woman – and within the year, she had vanished.  
  
Desline Bevar had taken her eyes from Elaida for a few moments – so she claimed – and she had vanished, leaving the butter she had been churning overturned in her haste to escape into the countryside. After a search of the surrounding area, Desline and her attendants had given up. Unless she could find Healing, she would most certainly die – and who would heal her? Every sister knew her description, as did ever Asha'man, as the Amyrlin had asked to M'Hael to do. Relations where cordial between the two Towers, if not warm. The Amyrlin had made allowances for the M'Hael, as the M'Hael had done for her.  
  
Therefore, it was assumed that Elaida had died.  
  
"How did you find me?" She finally asked, setting her cup down.  
  
I glanced up at her. "I didn't think you ever died, Elaida. I have merely kept an eye on the reports coming in from every country. It didn't take much effort to trace you, once I found the trail, little over a year ago," A passing remark by an eyes-and-hears associate, about a white-haired crone in Murandy.  
  
"I did not think that the Tower would hold with such things any longer," she said quietly. "What with traditions being destroyed and what-not,"  
  
"Not all traditions have been destroyed," I said, with mild amusement. "Al'Vere might have been intent on bringing about radical changes in the Tower – yet she could not eradicate that. The Aes Sedai will always be meddlesome busy-bodies," I smiled to show I was joking, yet she frowned at me.  
  
"I see," She said. "And _why_ are you here?"  
  
I blinked at her, as she locked eyes with me, staring intently. "Why...because I love you,"  
  
She snorted. "You love me, do you? Don't be stupid, Eirana,"  
  
I felt my hackles rise as blood rushed to my face. Elaida _had_ changed. She had always accepted it – now I wasn't to be stupid? "I recall you didn't care that much twenty years ago," I snapped. "When I slept with you – giving you _comfort_, regardless of what you felt for me,"  
  
She sighed. "That was your own choice. I didn't love you. You knew that,"  
  
I stared at her. "You still love them, don't you?" I mustered all the scorn I could. "Siuan Sanche and Moiraine Damodred – both of whom where at Egwene's side when she deposed you!"  
  
She bit her lip and shrugged. "What business is it of yours?"  
  
I simply couldn't believe this was happening. I gaped at her. "What business is it of mine? Come on, Elaida, you can't just hide in the woods forever – dreaming about those two. I'm here – and I'm real, Elaida. Not some daydream,"  
  
She ducked her head, one strand of hair falling in front of her face. This time, I leaned forward and brushed it out of her face. Her hair was shorter, I mused, as I ran my fingers through it. It barely touched her shoulders – sometimes it was at her ear, as if she had hacked it off herself. She flinched back, brushing my hand away. "Don't do that Eirana,"  
  
She leaned back and studied me. I hadn't changed that much. My hair was still as dark as ever, except at my roots, which had become brushed with grey – quite recently, in the past year – and my face was still smooth and ageless, no wrinkles. Elaida had a few – around the eyes and mouth. I didn't think they where laughter lines.  
  
"What do you want?" She said finally, tiredly.  
  
I looked around her shack. Indeed, what did I want? "I don't know,"  
  
She nodded. "You never did, I think. Always hankering after something you couldn't have,"  
  
"I had you," I said savagely.  
  
She glanced at me and sighed. "Leave me alone," She said, moving off.  
  
I drained my cup and got to my feet, watching her pick up a shovel. My lips tweaked. "What are you doing?"  
  
She merely looked at me. Her face didn't move. I remembered a time she would have flushed red and thrown the shovel down as if it was a viper. "I'm going to the garden,"  
  
I stared at her. "The _garden_?"  
  
"Yes. I've had to...adapt, shall we say?...to life outside the Tower," She nodded to the door. "You can leave now. Be careful on the path down to the village. It's trickier going down than up," She brushed past me, out the door.  
  
I followed her out. Kasria was sitting nearby, on a tree stump, tossing the coin between her hands. "You'll get no where with that one," She commented. "A nasty plug if ever I saw one,"  
  
I glanced irritably at her. "Didn't I say for you to leave?"  
  
"Yes, Aes Sedai, but the path is tricky," Her eyes glittered with interest. No concern with my safety, just nosiness.  
  
I didn't like the girl, yet I let her lead me down the path, slipping and sliding on the roots and muck. She turned to help me and asked, "Did you find out what you wanted, Aes Sedai?"  
  
I shook off her help. "No concern of yours,"  
  
She frowned at me, but muttered, "As you wish,"  
  
She led me back to the village – back to the inn I had paid for a night's stay in. I had not thought I would be staying in it, truthfully. Mistress Dorann smiled at me as I entered the common room, asking me politely if she could be of service.  
  
Unless she could persuade Elaida to let me into her bed, she couldn't. I slumped onto a bench, accepting the broth she offered. "Mistress Dorann," I asked, after a hesitation.  
  
The woman stopped, nervously, tugging on her apron.  
  
"Please – sit with me a moment," I motioned to a spare seat at my table.  
  
"Well...as you wish..." She sat down, now smoothing her apron.  
  
I watched in amusement. "Tell me – what do you know of Elaida do Avriny á Roihan?"  
  
She blinked at me as if I was mad. "I don't know anybody with this 'do Avriny' name,"  
  
I sighed impatiently. "The herbiest I enquired about earlier," Evidently people in Murandy where not the sharpest knives in the drawers.  
  
"Ellie?"  
  
I almost laughed. The only thing I did was puff out my cheeks slightly. "Yes," I managed. _Ellie_?  
  
"Well...I don't know much, mind you...she came here about seventeen years ago," Mistress Dorann frowned, rubbing her upper lip where a mustache grew. "Pretty young thing, I remember. A bit sharp of the nose and chin – not to mention the hair. Middle of winter she arrived – nearly died, suffering from a fever. The Wisdom nursed her back to health – was not a bit pleased when Ellie said she couldn't pay. Nor was she pleased that Ellie knew a thing or two about herbs. First year here, they wouldn't speak to each other. Still won't exchange more than pleasantries," She paused. "But that's when we _see_ Ellie. Keeps herself to herself, up in that hut. In winter, I don't know how she survives – many a time I've sent my Jaike up with a pot of stew or some such to keep her going. Even in the worst weather, she will not come down into the village. Chops her own wood and grows her own food, without any husband or family to help her," Mistress Dorann snorted, to show what she thought of that. "Makes people go up to _her_ to fetch herbs and the like – wont come to their homes, like the Wisdom does. Makes her a bit unpopular, that,"  
  
I raised my eyebrows. A side to Elaida I had not seen before. I had seen the aloof novice, the near-mad-with-lust Accepted, the distant Aes Sedai, the lonely Amyrlin and the defeated usurper. I had not seen the near-mad-in- the-head, sitting-alone-in-her-hut old crone.  
  
And I still loved her. I seethed at myself. How could I love her? After everything she had done, every rejection she threw me...yet I did. I loved her and would gladly abandon everything for her.  
  
I hated myself.  
  
"Thank you, Mistress Dorann," That was the signal for her to leave. She got up, inclining her head. I sipped at the broth, musing.  
  
The next morning, Elaida came to the inn.  
  
I was sitting in the same spot I had the night before and looked up when she came in. She went past me, without noticing. I watched her walk to the bar and inquired off Mistress Dorann, "Has the Aes Sedai left yet?"  
  
"No, Ellie," Mistress Dorann said, her eyes darting to me. "She's still here,"  
  
Elaida hissed through her teeth irritably. Odd, that. So she had abandoned all Aes Sedai serenity, as well. "Did she say anything to you?"  
  
Mistress Dorann shifted uncomfortably, ignoring my amused smirk. "Well...she asked about you, mostly..." She nodded in my direction. "Ask her yourself,"  
  
Elaida's head swung around. Her eyes narrowed and she left Mistress Dorann in the middle of a sentence, stalking over to me, standing above me, hands on her hips.  
  
I smiled up at her. "Good morning,"  
  
"Good morning," She sneered. "_Good morning_. Why are you still here?"  
  
I shrugged.  
  
She scowled, yet she glanced back to where Mistress Dorann was scrupulously polishing a glass, pretending not to be listening. "You should not be here,"  
  
"Tell me you're happy," I said calmly. "Tell me you have everything you want here; and I'll leave you alone,"  
  
She stared down at me. "Come and see me this afternoon," she said abruptly.  
  
It was barely past noon before I was stumbling back up the path, brambles scratching at my legs. She was not in her hut.  
  
I walked around it. She was in her garden. Not the muck pile I thought it would be. It was actually quite neat. Rows of vegetables surrounded by a picket fence, all growing surprisingly well. Or so I thought. I was not a gardener.  
  
I stepped over the fence and approached her from behind. She stopped what she was doing – something with a long pole and a sharp curled piece of metal on the end – and looked around at me. She had a streak of dirt on her nose.  
  
"I told you to come in the afternoon," she said, wiping at her hair.  
  
"It _is_ the afternoon," I answered.  
  
She frowned at me. She tapped her pole on the earth and continued to overturn the dirt. "So. When are you leaving?"  
  
I folded my arms. "Why are you so eager to get rid of me?"  
  
Her hands tightened on the pole. "Do you always have to ask these questions?"  
  
"Yes. Why?"  
  
She began to hit the earth rather than overturning it gently. "Just because I found you attractive twenty years ago does not mean I still do,"  
  
I moved my feet out of her way. "You loved me twenty years ago,"  
  
"Ah. But I was never _in_ love with you," She pointed out.  
  
My anger flared. "Oh, come on, Elaida. I saw the way you where looking at me yesterday – you feel something for me, at least. It may not be –"  
  
She threw down the pole. I broke off and stared at her. She was breathing heavily, rubbing her hands on her knees. Her hair was falling in front of her face, making it impossible to judge her expression. "Do you want to know why I am eager to see the last of you, Eirana?" She turned to face me, eyes blazing.  
  
I didn't reply.  
  
"_Do you_?"  
  
"Yes," I muttered.  
  
"I'll tell you. You remind me of everything I lost. Have you ever been stilled, Eirana?"  
  
"You know I haven't,"  
  
She sneered at me. "You watched me being stilled in the traitor's court – you watched as Siuan Sanche and Moiraine Damodred smirked. You watched as Egwene al'Vere turned her back on me as if I was nothing! You watched Eirana! You watched and didn't do anything! Never spoke up in my defense, never said that it was Alviarin that painted me as half-mad!" Her face was flushed.  
  
"I cried," I whispered in response, though I didn't think she heard.  
  
"Oh yes, I might live out in the middle of no where in some hut that barely deserves that title but I know what goes on in the world! I know what you where too afraid to tell me – Egwene al'Vere, heralded as the one of the greatest Amyrlin Seats ever," Her face twisted. "Deposer of the usurper, the first Amyrlin to recognise the very real threat of the Black Ajah. Bah! Had I not deposed Siuan Sanche, she would never have come to the stole and staff!" she broke off her rant furiously, trembling.  
  
Slowly, I put my arms around her. "Hush," I muttered. "Hush. That is all over now. That was years ago,"  
  
At first, she resisted. Then her resolve broke she slumped into my arms, sobbing. I wondered if she had cried in all the years that she was gone.  
  
I held her, gently stroking her hair back. When she stopped and her sobs where soft moans, I was kneeling in the dirt and she was curled up in my arms. There was utter silence all around and I wondered how Elaida could stand it. "Do you really love me?" She asked after a moment.  
  
"Yes," I whispered in response.  
  
"Why?"  
  
Strange question. It took me aback for a moment. I hesitated and she glanced up at me, eyes red rimmed. "I don't know," I finally confessed. "I don't know,"  
  
She sighed. "An odd pair we are, Eirana. You loved me and I never returned it," She fell silent and then murmured, so softly I barely hear it, "Perhaps I should have,"  
  
My breath caught.  
  
"Do you remember yesterday how you asked whether I still loved Moiraine and Siuan?"  
  
"Yes,"  
  
"I don't," She shook her head. "It wasn't them who filled my dreams the past years. How could it be? I never felt them, never tasted them. How can you love something you never had? I have been a fool for too long, Eirana,"  
  
I kissed her temple. Slowly, she untangled herself from my arms, turned to face me, reaching out to caress my cheek. I leaned into the caress and she leaned forward to kiss me.  
  
It didn't seem to matter very much that we where outside. As she opened the back of my dress, she trailed her lips down my back and then my front.  
  
"Too long, Eirana," She muttered. "It has been too long,"  
  
I had an idea then. The danger hardly occurred to me. I had never done it before. I had seen it done once – even with this safety, stillings where rare. I embraced _saidar_. Elaida did not look up from her task, gently biting me just below my breast, leaving a small red mark. It was not the wound I would once have given her.  
  
Gently I clasped her head between my hands and pulled her up. She looked puzzled, eyes distressed. She was desperate for closeness after twenty years of imposed celibacy that it would have destroyed her to have me reject her. Yet I wove the five elements, gently swirling them and touching her with the flow. She gasped.  
  
I let go of _saidar_ and watched her hopefully.  
  
Tears trickled down her face as slowly the glow of _saidar_ formed around her. I smiled at her, even as she leaned forward and kissed me hard, practically forcing my mouth open. She had not let go of _saidar_ and I seized it again.  
  
We had never made love while holding _saidar_ and I thought we had done everything. Yet this...was...strange. It was hard to say what the lovemaking was and what was _saidar_. She kissed my thigh, I gripped her hair, and I tasted myself from her lips repeatedly. I tasted myself from her nipples, too, where she had smeared my fluids.  
  
The surroundings seemed to blur into nothingness and I do not know to this day how long we stayed in her garden.  
  
Yet, when it was over, it was dark and I knelt in front of her, gripping her hand. "Come with me to the Kinswomen," I pleaded. "Come with me,"  
  
She stared at me. "And be stilled again, Eirana? The Kin know my face as well as the Aes Sedai," she entwined her arms about me, hugging me to her breast. "No. I'm not going to throw away this gift,"  
  
I sighed. "Then I'm not going," I said stubbornly. "No, Elaida, listen – let Rasema Hesdini think I died on the way to her,"  
  
She stared at me, her thumb stroking my jaw line. "I love you, Eirana," She said finally.  
  
I looked up sharply at her. "What?"  
  
"I love you," She replied. Her eyes where oddly bright and I thought she was going to cry.  
  
"No, no tears," I whispered, wiping away the ones that fell. "Don't be sad, Elaida. I love you, too,"  
  
She bit her lip. "I remember the years I never said it back to you. I'm sorry,"  
  
When it began to get cold, Elaida led me back to her hut. "Where _do_ you sleep?" I asked with interest.  
  
She flushed with embarrassment. "On the floor," She pointed to a jumble of blankets curled up in the corner.  
  
My eyebrows flew up. "Not tonight, Elaida. If I am going to make love to you, it'll be in a bed. I've had enough of the ground for one day,"  
  
She smiled at me.  
  
There was a hushed pause in the common room as I led Elaida inside by the hand. Mistress Dorann stared at our clasped hands as if they where the most bizarre thing she had seen. Yet she regained her posture quickly – quicker than most folk whose mouths hung open. She swept a brief curtsey and said, "Good evening, Aes Sedai, Ellie," She hesitated. "How may I help you?"  
  
"Elaida Sedai," Mistress Dorann's eyes bulged. "Will be joining me tonight in my room – I trust that is fine?" I passed her a coin in a flippant manner.  
  
"Of course, Aes Sedai, of course," She accepted the coin and inclined her head to Elaida.  
  
I distinctively heard a man mutter, "So _that's_ the reason for no family," I ignored that.  
  
I led Elaida up the stairs, not pausing in the darkened hallway to hear the coarse jokes that they had not the nerve to say to our faces.  
  
Later that night, when Elaida was lying naked beside me, stretched out contently, lying on a mattress for the first time in years, I commented, "We can't possibly stay in this village, you know,"  
  
"Where had you in mind?" she barely kept the eagerness from her tone.  
  
"Arad Doman?" I suggested.  
  
She laughed low in her throat.  
  
"I wouldn't mind seeing you in one of their dresses, either," I whispered into her ear.  
  
We left the next morning.  
  
The End 


End file.
